R v Joyce

RAKE

“R v Joyce”
S01 E01

Written by David Cameron

E: dacameron at gmail dot com
P: 0789 439 5842

Based on “R v Murray”,
Written by Peter Duncan

SCENE 1


EXT. LOCATION - NIGHT

Close up on car parked in industrial area near the river. COL LYONS is in the driver’s seat, CLEAVER GREENE is next to him, looking pensive.

                    COL
        Come on Cleave, get out of the car. You knew it was coming to this.

                    CLEAVER
        That’s not the best offer I’ve had this week.


                    COL
You should have paid him the first time he asked. He was polite then. You know Micky don’t like to ask twice. He considers it bad manners.

            CLEAVER
I humbly apologise for any embarrassment caused. I shall get his money, Col - you know I’m good for it.

            COL
No bruv, see there’s where you’re wrong. We don’t know you’re good for it, Cleave, in fact it’s the opposite - we know that you’re not good for it. And you should know that Micky thinks you’re not good for it Cleave, because as you may have noticed, he’s not here and I am.

            CLEAVER
That fact hadn’t eluded me. But I was still hoping we could have a little chat and discuss the matter, and see if we couldn’t come to a mutually agreeable solution to our impasse.

            COL
We can’t have a little chat bruv - the time for a little chat is long gone. And I get that you want to chat - most people who have a little chat with you go away thinking ‘well, he’s got that posh voice and he uses all those big words, so he must be good for what he says’, but here’s the thing - I don’t understand your big words Cleave, because I’m too thick, and I don’t care that you’re posh, because I think that all posh blokes are cunts.

            CLEAVER
There you go Col, I knew we’d find some common ground eventually!

COL
Get out of the car bruv. This is going to hurt me more than it will you.

                    CLEAVER
        I very much doubt that, actually.

(They both get out of the car and stand on the verge. A truck passes)

                    COL
        It’s nothing personal, you know that, but Micky wants his money.

                    CLEAVER
And he thinks it will fall from my pockets like rain prompted solely by your fists?

                    COL
        Why do you always have to be a smartarse?

                    CLEAVER
        Have you heard the story of the scorpion and the frog?

(Col punches Cleave hard, twice, and Cleaver falls to the ground)

                    COL
        Micky says no more bets until you find the fucking money, Cleave.

                    CLEAVER
        Let me just get my glasses and I’ll take a look around for you.

(Col kicks Cleaver in the stomach)


OPENING CREDITS


SCENE 2

INT. LOCATION

Close up on CLEAVER GREENE and MISSY, who is trying to clean some blood off his mouth with a face cloth while he flinches.

                    MISSY
        You really need to learn to play nice with others.

                    CLEAVER
        I play nice - it’s the others who have the problem.

                    MISSY
        They do. Mostly with you.

                    CLEAVER
Ow! Are you practicing for a career change as Mistress of Torture at a new exhibit at Tower of London?

                    MISSY
Don’t be such a child, Cleaver. Besides, you know I could have that job if I wanted it.

                    CLEAVER
        You’re reticence is to their misfortune.

                    MISSY
        There, all finished. So what do you want to do now?

                    CLEAVER
        My dear, we both know what I want to do now.

                    MISSY
        Come on Cleaver, I’ve had a long day, I’m really tired.

                    CLEAVER
        Pretty please, with a cherry on top?

                    MISSY
(Laughs) Go on then, in you go. On the bed though: I want to at least lie down while we do it.

CLEAVER
        My favourite position!

(CLEAVER scampers into the bedroom, finds a backgammon set, and leaps onto the bed. MISSY walks in slowly, lies down on the bed and leans into CLEAVER, and they play backgammon together)

                    CLEAVER
You’re never going to beat me if you insist on leaving that piece so far behind.

MISSY
Stop trying to tell me how to play! If I didn’t know what I was doing, I wouldn’t beat you as much as I do!

CLEAVER
As often.

                    MISSY
        You’re not helping! I think you secretly enjoy being beaten by a girl!

                    CLEAVER
        Well, we all have our peccadilloes, my dear…

                    MISSY
        Tell me about it!

(MISSY rolls the die, moves final piece off the board)

                    MISSY
        Yes! Take that!

                    CLEAVER
        I believe I will…

(CLEAVER rolls MISSY on top of him and they kiss, smiling at first before getting more passionate. The bedside lamp flashes a few times)

                    CLEAVER
That woman’s timing is as impeccable as ever - she really should move to Greenwich to sharpen them up!

                    MISSY
        Rules are rules Cleaver - you of all people should know that.

                    CLEAVER
Yes, yes, but you’d have thought I’d have earnt a little extra by now. Maybe she should set up some sort of voucher system? You know, buy five, fuck one free? She could print up some little cards, you could stamp mine every time I visit…

            MISSY
I’m tempted to stamp yours right now…

            CLEAVER
Or you know, make an app or something - that seems to be all the rage these days. Maybe call it Fckr or something - remove all the vowels, the kids would love it!

            MISSY
I don’t think she’s marketing to kids, Cleaver.

            CLEAVER
Well maybe she should? She needs to think of the future - us old farts won’t be around for ever, you know! Although maybe it’s all a bit analogue for them - they’d probably prefer some sort of attachment to their Playbox or X Station or whatever they’re called. They’d be good names for the product, now that I think of it…

            MISSY
Get dressed Cleaver! You know she doesn’t like dalliers!

            CLEAVER
But I like to dally, my dear - dallying is my favourite part of the day!

            MISSY
        Get dressed! And Cleaver, do I have to worry about you?

                    CLEAVER
        No more than usual, I shouldn’t think.

                    MISSY
        That’s not a reassuring answer, Cleaver.

                    CLEAVER
        Oh my darling, you worry about me! I’m touched.

                    MISSY
That’s the problem - they touched you a bit harder than usual tonight…

                    CLEAVER
Fear not my dear, Barney called earlier with what sounds a most promising bill, I mean brief. I shall reimburse Mick in full before you know it, and I shall return to reward you for your extremely unlikely victory today in short order!

            MISSY
Just be careful Cleaver, there are some things even you can’t talk your way out of.

            CLEAVER
If that were true, my career would be far less illustrious than it is.

            MISSY
I’m not sure that’s really possible, is it?

            CLEAVER
[laughs] How poor are they that have not patience? What wound did ever heal but by degrees?

            MISSY
Some wounds take longer than others to heal Cleaver, and I won’t always be there to patch them up. And there is someone with very little patience looking to make you a little poorer outside that door - off you go!

            CLEAVER
My darling Missy, good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say goodnight till it be morrow!

            MISSY
        [laughs] Not if Dave the Door has anything to say about it! Go!

(CLEAVER leaves, blowing a kiss as he closes the door, MISSY throws a pillow at the door)





SCENE 3

EXT. LOCATION - NIGHT

Long shot, exterior of a house in Mayfair, CLEAVER GREENE pulls the door behind him but a hand holds it open, JOE CAPTON comes out behind him)

                    CLEAVER
        Ah, Joe! Apologies, I didn’t see you beating a retreat behind me.

                    JOE
        Cleaver! Lovely night, isn’t it?

                    CLEAVER
        I’ve had better, although Missy made every effort to enliven it.

                    JOE
        She’s an angel, that woman - I have no idea why she tolerates you!

                    CLEAVER
She demonstrates in words and actions the reasons behind their nomenclature as the fairer sex on a regular basis, Joe. The family is well?

            JOE
All well, thanks for asking - Sebastian is reading law at Oxford, which is far grander than his old man, as you well know, Claire is preparing for her exams and costing me an arm and a leg in stable fees, and Judith is hosting those cackling crones who were unable to extricate themselves from their unhappy marriages to my colleagues, bragging endlessly about the children as she serves up the Viognier and plotting which one of the harridans she’ll have to pretend to admire so as to advance my career prospects. And you?

            CLEAVER
Well, you know how it goes - talking my questionable clientele out of a lengthy demonstration of Her Majesty’s largesse because your neanderthalic flunkies are unable to read a brief, and long may that continue. No car today?

            JOE
In this day and age? You must be joking! The last thing I want is to be hauled in front of the bloody Parliamentary Standards Authority and asked why I was taking a government car to Mayfair in the middle of a Tuesday night!

            CLEAVER
Constituency crisis?

            JOE
Pull the other one Cleaver - I’m the member of parliament for Carlisle, and my nearest constituent lives 320 miles away, so I’m not convinced they’d buy that one!

            CLEAVER
It’s all in the argument you present Joe - you’re the Attorney General, you should be able to formulate a cogent defence.

            JOE
Right, well I’m sure you’ll remind me to instruct you if I ever get that particular call.

            CLEAVER
I’m not sure that’s quite the message you want to send to the IPSA, given the proclivities of my usual client base. Besides, I’d have thought you’d be squirreling more than a little away at the moment, given you’ll be dropping down to the lowly ranks of the opposition backbenches soon, and will need to become accustomed to a somewhat less salubrious lifestyle.

            JOE
Oh, I shouldn’t worry about that, Cleave, I fully expect to be sucking at the governmental teat for another 5 years to come.

            CLEAVER
Come off it Joe - your lot are toxic at the polls thanks to the concerted, and sustained, efforts you put into fucking over everyone north of the Watford Gap, not to mention your inability to find a leader who can formulate a complete sentence without offending some group or other. You might not even hold onto your seat if the Scots decide to push south of the border!

            JOE
Give me a break - look at the rabble laughingly called the shadow cabinet sitting opposite! We’re going to increase our majority, if anything!

            CLEAVER
Care to make the result a little more interesting?

            JOE
Let me get this straight - you want to bet on the result of the General Election?

            CLEAVER
Yes, I do.

            JOE
You’re on! How does five thousand sound?

            CLEAVER
It sounds like you’re afraid I’m right.

            JOE
Right, ten then?

CLEAVER
I look forward to taking your money.

JOE
Just make sure Mick doesn’t find out about it - you know he takes a dim view on wagers outside of his jurisdiction.

            CLEAVER
Don’t worry about me Joe, I am the very personification of discretion!

JOE
You and I both know that’s about as far from the truth you can get without coming back round for another lap. Right, there’s a cab - I’d offer you a lift, but, well…

            CLEAVER
Indeed. Nevermind, I shall buy a car when I collect your money. Goodnight Joe.

            JOE
Goodnight Cleaver - try and stay out of trouble tonight.

            CLEAVER
I’ll make every effort, but trouble seems to relish discovering new ways to find me.





SCENE 4

INT. LOCATION

Close up on greasy spoon owner LUCA watching the news on television before picking up a broom and banging the roof.

CUT

CLEAVER waking up on the floor, a bottle of wine and a glass next to him - he swigs from the bottle, scowls and gets up.

CUT

Exterior of greasy spoon, CLEAVER closing the door next to it before walking in and sitting down.

CUT

Interior of greasy spoon, LUCA watches CLEAVER sit down

                    LUCA
        The usual, Cleave?

                    CLEAVER
        That’s why they call it that.

Luca makes a long black coffee, pours some whiskey from a bottle under the counter into it, and brings it to CLEAVER, who is watching the television.

                    TV NEWSREADER
Details are emerging this morning of a possible cannibalism ring involving a prominent civil servant, Steven Joyce, who was intimately involved in the government’s Brexit implementation plan, reporting directly to the Secretary of State for International Trade, Dr Karl Miller. Dr Miller, fresh from his recent gaffe when he called British farm employees ‘workshy wastrels’ at a party event for donors when he mistakenly believed his microphone was off, is currently in China promoting trade with Britain. The Attorney General, Joseph Capton, made a statement on behalf of the government this morning.

            JOE
The government was as shocked as the people of this great country to learn of the extracurricular activities of Steven Joyce, and I can confirm that my department will spare no effort in prosecuting this individual to the full extent of the law. While I can confirm that this person has had a small role in advising the government on economic matters relating to Brexit, he did not play any active role in formulating policy, which is currently ahead of schedule. The prosecution of this individual will proceed as quickly as possible, and there will be no impact to the government’s timeline on Brexit.

CUT

Back to the greasy spoon.

            CLEAVER
Fuck me Joe, you certainly picked the wrong day to go to work early.




SCENE 5

INT. LOCATION

JOE CAPTON’s office. JOE is sitting behind his desk looking worried, television on silent in a corner, TWO ADVISORS sitting opposite him, ANTHONY HANNON sits on a sofa on the side of the room, looking at his phone.

                    JOE
Fuck me, I really picked the wrong day to come into work early. Why the fuck is Miller in China?    

            ADVISOR 1
I assume the PM thought he could do less damage over there, sir.

            JOE
They still have bloody microphones there, you know. Besides, doesn’t he have a bloody job to do?

            ADVISOR 2
Not really sir, he’s secretary for trade. And you never know, he might accidentally find some.

            JOE
I’d currently trade him for about five quid in loose change, and I wouldn’t count it too carefully. Anyway, what are we going to do about the cannibal?

            ADVISOR 1
He’s currently helping the police with their enquiries.

            JOE
What are they enquiring into - whether or not he’s still peckish? Tony, you’re the Solicitor General, when are we laying charges?

            TONY
[Looks up from phone] What do you want to charge him with?

            JOE
Being a disappointment to his mother. What do you bloody think I want to charge him with? He’s a cannibal - why not start with cannibalism?

            TONY
Right. Only there’s a small snag with that.

            JOE
Which is?

            TONY
We’ve done a bit of research, and it turns out that, technically, it’s not against the law.

            JOE
I’m sorry Tony, you’ll have to bear with me a minute, my ears don’t seem to be working properly at the moment. I thought, and you’ll think this is funny, that you just said it’s not against the law to be, wait for it, a cannibal.

            TONY
Yes, turns out that it’s not.

            JOE
It’s not against the law to be a cannibal.

            TONY
No.

            JOE
In the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

            TONY
Yes.

            JOE
It’s lawful to be a cannibal in Britain.

            TONY
Well…

            JOE
Yes?

            TONY
It’s not lawful, per se…

            JOE
So it’s illegal.

            TONY
Not technically.

            JOE
I need someone to go down to the basement and see if they can find an old telephone directory for me, and bring it back here. I don’t mind what year it is, as long as it’s heavy. I’m going to throw it at Mr Anthony Hannon, Solicitor General of the United Kingdom, and then I am going to hit him repeatedly about the face and neck until he is dead or I have a heart attack. To be honest, I don’t mind which one comes first.

            TONY
It’s just…

            JOE
This had better be good Tony. Really, really good.

            TONY
Well, it turns out no one wrote a law about it.

            JOE
No government has ever passed a law making cannibalism illegal.

            TONY
No British government.

            JOE
Where’s that bloody phone book.

            ADVISOR 2
I’ll go sir.

            JOE
Sit the fuck down. You’re supposed to be my advisors - advise me.

            ADVISOR 1
Maybe it wasn’t an issue that ever energised the party members.

JOE
Not on that, you moron!

ADVISOR 2
Maybe we could just charge him with it anyway - maybe no one else will know.

            JOE
Maybe we can charge him with something that isn’t actually illegal?

            ADVISOR 2
Yes sir.

            JOE
And maybe no one else will notice that there’s not actually a law which we can charge him with breaking?

            ADVISOR 2
Yes sir.

            JOE
You know, I’ve changed my mind - go and get that phone book.

            ADVISOR 2
Yes sir. [leaves the room]

            JOE
Tony, Listen to me very carefully now. I want you to walk out of my office, and I don’t really care where you go - you can go to your office, you can go to the House, you take a walk in the park, you can go to Gordon’s and get royally pissed. But then I want you to come back here, and I want you to tell me you’ve found a way to instruct the DPP to charge this arsehole with something that will put him away for the rest of his natural life.

            TONY
Okay Joe. But what if I can’t come up with something?

            JOE
You will come up with something, Tony. And do you want to know how I know that?

            TONY
Sure.

            JOE
Because this is an election year, Joe. And I am not, as Attorney General, going to go to the electorate and tell them that we are not going to prosecute a cannibal because there’s not actually a law against it just before I ask them to vote us back into government. And do you know why, Tony?

            TONY
No?

            ADVISOR 2
[Returns with phonebook] Security had one under the desk, strangely enough.

            JOE
Great - stove Tony’s head in with it, please.

            ADVISOR 2
[Nervously] Yes sir.


SCENE 6

EXT. LOCATION

CLEAVER GREENE walks from Greasy Spoon in King’s Cross to Gray’s Inn - montage past station, through Coram’s Fields, etc. Wanders around chambers shouting, disturbing others.

                    CLEAVER
        Nicola! Nicola! Where the bloody hell is that woman! Nicola!

                    NICOLA
[NICOLA DOTTORINI sticks her head out of an office, looking embarrassed, whispers) Cleaver, over here!

            CLEAVER
[Walks over to Nicola] Ah dear Nicola, there you are! I was just reading a little more in Mr Peters’ file - we need to look into his legal position…

            NICOLA
[Pulls Cleaver into the office, closes the door] You want the legal position? Well it’s not in here - Montague is coming back early, so we’re homeless again.

            CLEAVER
He’s coming back early? But he was taking an extended backpacking holiday with his charming new wife in South East Asia to “find himself”. I’ve never understood that term - if I ever need to “find myself” I simply look in the mirror, and it turns out that most days I’m right there, apart from when I’m feeling a little vampire-y.

            NICOLA
Cleaver…

            CLEAVER
Not that I’d ever actually want to “find myself” - I’m quite deplorable, if I do say so myself.
           
            NICOLA
Cleaver…

            CLEAVER
Although I can be splendid company, when the mood takes me. Did I tell you about the other night at Karen’s new gallery in Islington, where she was showing some pieces by that Polish chap everyone’s talking about, can’t remember his name, but they put on quite a spread, including some vodka he’d made himself. So there we were…

            NICOLA
[Shouts] Cleaver, shut the fuck up! Did you hear me? We’re homeless again! Why can’t I work for a proper barrister, with his own bloody office! I wouldn’t even care if he was useless - at least I’d have a desk of my own, and wouldn’t have to store everything is a stall in the toilets that is permanently “occupied”, and I wouldn’t have to slide under the bloody door every time you want a file! My mother was right - you are a bloody waste of space!

            CLEAVER
Well that is hurtful - I always thought I got on well with your mother.

            NICOLA
That’s because you can’t speak Italian, so you can’t understand what she’s saying to you!

            CLEAVER
That’s just not true! I can parlay molto buena in Italiana, and your mother and I have had some splendid conversations over a bottle or two vina rosa. [Looks at watch] Fuck! I’m late for the tax tribunal - that fucker Potter is trying to screw me over again! Nicola, mi amore, would you please be so kind as to look into alternative accommodation while I’m in court - I am sure that I can leave this little chore in your highly capable hands. [Kisses Nicole’s hand] Until later, arrivebene!

            NICOLA
Appena affanculo, il tuo cazzo!

[Cleaver runs out of the office, others watch him go]  




SCENE 7

INT. LOCATION

Drab looking courtroom, JUDGE presiding, stenographer seated below, DAVID POTTER as opposing counsel.

                    DAVID
Sir, in view of Mr Greene’s non-appearance at his own appeal I can only humbly re-submit the evidence and request that we proceed immediately to sentencing - I submit that, by his own inability to attend, Mr Greene agrees with all charges made by HMRC and has no rebuttal to make. In which case, sir, I request that the court take into account the seriousness of the charges against Mr Greene, the length of time over which he has tried to defraud revenue from the government by non-payment of taxes on income earned over many, many years, and if it pleases the court that you hand down the maximum penalty as prescribed in the tax statutes, including but not limited to fines and a custodial sentence.

            JUDGE
I understand your position very well, Mr Potter, but I am reluctant to continue to sentencing without Mr Greene at least having the opportunity to refute the charges and argue his case.

[CLEAVER GREENE rushes into the room, breathing very heavily]

                    CLEAVER
        … I protest Mr Potter’s last remark, sir …
       
                    JUDGE
        Ah, Mr Greene! The prodigal returns at last!
       
                    DAVID
        [Aside] You don’t even know what my last remark was…

                    CLEAVER
I beg your forgiveness for my extreme tardiness, sir, which I know if unforgivable, but I can only hope that, when you hear my story then you too will agree that I had little choice but to arrive so late, and in doing so to risk your honour’s wrath.

            JUDGE
I will hear you out Mr Greene, but before you start I note that there are supposed to be a number of papers relating to your billings and finances that you were to submit into evidence. I don’t see them about your person, so could you advise on their whereabouts?

            CLEAVER
Sir, that is the very reason for my late arrival in your court today. As you know, I have previously submitted that the figures proposed as my income over a number of years by HMRC are wildly, almost wilfully inaccurate, and that I have substantial documentation to validate my position. I was, as I’m sure you could imagine, extremely anxious to defend myself from the allegations being put forward by Mr Potter, to set the record straight and to protect my good name from these heinous accusations, as I’m sure your honour would be in the extraordinarily unlikely situation that these allegations were made against your good self.

            JUDGE
Yes, I can quite imagine.

            CLEAVER
Thank you, your honour, and if I may go on I would add that I slept very little last night, so keen was I to present myself before you with this documentation which would finally clear my good name from these horrendous smears.

            DAVID
If it is possible, sir, could you please direct Mr Greene to get to the conclusion of his lengthy point?

            JUDGE
Very well, Mr Greene, if you could hurry along a little?

            CLEAVER
Very good, sir. Given, as I’ve explained, the keen desire I held to prove my position here, today, and to finally clear my name from these scurrilous charges, I’m sure you will understand the despair to which I sunk after I received a call early this morning from the custodian at the storage facility in which I had entrusted my financial records in their entirety. This facility was chosen by myself for their superlative record and reputation, which makes what I have to tell you now all the harder to admit.

            DAVID
Sir, please…

            JUDGE
Yes, yes, very well. Mr Greene, do you have a point towards which you are aiming?

            CLEAVER
Yes sir, if you recall there was quite a heavy, but brief, rainstorm this morning, and it turns out that the document custodian with responsibility for my records had been cleaning my section of the facility, with the use of some quite industrial cleaning products for the floor. It turns out that this man, who I have it on good authority is a custodian of the highest regard and ability, opened a skylight in my section so as to clear the air of these noxious fumes, and after doing so adjourned to the staff kitchen for a cup of coffee so as to allow time for the fumes to escape. And, while I say this with the deepest level of personal regret your honour, this man had the desperate misfortune of opening the skylight just before the storm, a storm to which he was oblivious as he was wearing a personal music playing device with the volume, dare I say, at somewhat too high a level, allowing an ingress of water right into the very boxes containing the paperwork which I had planned to submit into evidence today.

DAVID
I don’t remember any storm this morning!

CLEAVER
Unfortunately we’re not all so lucky as to live in your salubrious neighbourhood, Mr Potter - some of us have to just muddle along at a far less impressive rate of earning, and have to make do with a far less tranquil section of this fair city.

            JUDGE
Yes, I do seem to recall a bit of rain, which I think was this morning, now that I think of it.

            CLEAVER
Thank you, sir, I do trust that you weren’t too inconvenienced by the inclemency?

            JUDGE
No no, I simply hailed a cab to get from Marylebone station to the courts.

            CLEAVER
Very wise, sir, very wise.

            DAVID
This is clearly a tissue of lies, sir, fabricated by a desperate man trying anyway he can to avoid the penalties which most rightly are being sought against him, including the loss of his livelihood, as he will most likely be disbarred with a guilty verdict. It really is the dog ate my homework stuff, your honour, and not worthy of consideration by you.

            CLEAVER
Very true, sir, I am a desperate man, desperate in the knowledge that the paperwork which would have exonerated me entirely has almost certainly been destroyed, desperate that the abundant proof against this so-called case put forth by my learned colleague, the document which would have seen the charges evaporate like fairy floss, may most likely never be presented for investigation by your good self.

            DAVID
Sir, this is too much! Mr Greene has proven time and again to be a liar, and this is the simply the latest and greatest example of his misdirection and deception.

            CLEAVER
If it pleases you, sir, I have brought along the very man responsible for the safekeeping of my financial records to the court and, though it would clearly pain me to speak to the man who has done me such a disservice, I should like to put him on the stand to testify to everything that I have just said.

            DAVID
Sir, I strongly object to the farce that Mr Greene is making of this court!

            JUDGE
So noted, and it is clearly quite extraordinary to hear a witness in a case such as this, but if it will go some way towards clearing up this whole mess then I’m of a mind to allow it.

            CLEAVER
Thank you, sir, although I should just note before I bring him in that the witness is Polish, and speaks very little English. I am happy to proceed if you are, sir, although if you feel it best to bring in the services of a competent translator at a later date then I should completely understand.

            JUDGE
No no, let’s have a stab at it. Bring him in.

[A man walks into the room, and takes the stand]

            CLEAVER
For the record, can you confirm that your name is Lukasz Cisowski?

            WITNESS
Co?

            CLEAVER
Your name, it is Lukasz Cisowski?

            WITNESS
Nie rozumiem.

            CLEAVER
… Sir, would you object to me checking my phone for the word in Polish?

            JUDGE
Very well, be quick about it.

[Cleaver looks at phone, taps it a few times]

            CLEAVER
Um … nazwa … Lukasz Cisowski?

            WITNESS
O, nazwa - tak, jestem Lukasz Cisowski.

            CLEAVER
Very good. Mr Cisowski, this morning did you leave the skylight in my unit open, allowing the ingress of water which destroyed my financial records.

            WITNESS
Co?
           
            CLEAVER
[Checks phone] Tego … ranka … czy … ty … pozostawiac …

            JUDGE
Mr Greene, this is clearly getting us nowhere.

            CLEAVER
My apologies, sir, I shall attempt to type faster, although I’m afraid that my fingers are a little large for such delicate work on this phone…

            JUDGE
There seems little point in going on like this Mr Greene - I therefore order that we obtain the services of a competent translator and return to the court to obtain the witness’s evidence. I shall be on holiday now for a month, but the court’s officers will revert with the date. Court adjourned.

            CLEAVER
[smiles] May it please the court.




SCENE 8

INT. LOCATION

In a corridor outside the courtroom, CLEAVER is talking to the WITNESS.

                    CLEAVER
        Thanks Luke, that was brilliant.

                    WITNESS
No worries Cleave, I was a bit worried that I was laying it on too thick.

                    CLEAVER
        No no, it was pitch perfect.

[CLEAVER hands some cash to the witness]

                    WITNESS
        See you at the doggies on Friday?

                    CLEAVER
        I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

[BARNEY MEAGHER approaches CLEAVER, the WITNESS leaves, counting the money]

            BARNEY
        Hello Cleave, who was that?

                    CLEAVER
Just a cleaner I know - I thought I might get him to give the apartment the once over.

                    BARNEY
        You might want him to have a few more goes than that.

                    CLEAVER
        [Walking to lift] All well Barnaby? Red and the kids are okay?

                    BARNEY
        All fine, thanks. Heads up, here he comes. [DAVID POTTER walks over, all 3 walk into lift]

                    DAVID
        Hello Barney.

                    BARNEY
        Hello David.

                    DAVID
        All well with Scarlett and the kids?

                    BARNEY
        All good, thanks.

                    CLEAVER
I’m fine too Harry, sorry, David. Despite my disappointing loss of the documents which could have proven my innocence.

                    DAVID
Fuck off Cleave - you might have the judge fooled, but I see the shit you’re pulling, and I’m not going to let you get away with it. I am going to get you bang to rights, even if it’s the last fucking thing I do. You and your kind make me sick - the rest of us go along with the social contract and pay our way, but society breaks down when people like you think it’s funny to cruise through life on the backs of others.

            CLEAVER
Language, Harry! You may not realise, but I do give back - I help the aged, for example this sprightly young fellow here. 82 years young, and as frisky as a bear! He doesn’t approve of the language of the gutter though, so if you wouldn’t mind… [holds finger to lips]

            DAVID
[Doors open] Barney, you still on for next week?

            BARNEY
Yes mate, I’m looking forward to it.

            DAVID
Good, see you there. And Cleaver - go fuck yourself.

            CLEAVER
Ta ta Harry - always a pleasure!

            DAVID
And lay off the Harry shit, you cock!

            CLEAVER
Kisses! What are you looking at me like that for, Barney? Do you actually support that microbially penised wally?

            BARNEY
Actually, I do.

            CLEAVER
We’ve been pals for about 20 years, and this is where you want to stick the dagger in?

            BARNEY
You should pay your taxes, you muppet. You must earn more than me - you’re a barrister - and I’m sick of carrying you!

            CLEAVER
Ah, but I have so many expenses of which you are blissfully unaware!

            BARNEY
Yeah, and I’ve got 3 kids, the fact of which you occasionally remember, generally a week or so after their birthdays. Come on, we’re going to be late for Stinton - we’re in with Hannibal Lecter today.



SCENE 9

INT. LOCATION

Room in a gaol. PROF STEVEN JOYCE  is wearing a white protective suit after having DNA and other tests, sitting at a table opposite CLEAVER GREENE, BARNEY MEAGHER and SIMON STINTON QC.

            STINTON
Professor Joyce, my name is Simon Stinton QC, and I shall be defending you in the case being brought against you. Sitting with me here are Barney Meagher, your solicitor, and Cleaver Greene, who will assist me in presenting your defence. Do you have any questions at this point?

            JOYCE
Yes. When can I see my wife?

[Stinton and Barney look at each other]

            BARNEY
That may take … a little time to organise.

            STINTON
Are you aware of the charges that have been made against you yet?

            JOYCE
I don’t care about the charges, I just need to see my wife! I need to know that she’s alright!

            CLEAVER
Mr Meagher and I will visit her as soon as we’re finished here, but we do need to get a start on your defence. You’ve been charged with murder, conspiracy to murder, and preventing the burial of a body.

            JOYCE
I didn’t stop anyone burying Hendrik - I disposed of him as he intended!

            CLEAVER
I’m sure you did Prof. Joyce, but I suspect that the Director of Public Prosecutions may argue that consumption does not constitute a lawful burial…

            JOYCE
It was what he wanted!

            STINTON
Yes yes, I’m sure it was. Perhaps it would be useful if you could tell us what exactly happened, in your own words, so that we can come to a clearer understanding of the facts.

            JOYCE
Well, if you think it will help. I admit that I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time, but I didn’t really know how to go about it. I knew that it had to be consensual - I’m not a monster - but I didn’t know how to find someone to satisfy my … particular need.

            CLEAVER
It’s a specialist market, I suspect.

            JOYCE
It is Mr Greene, it really is. I spent many a night scouring the internet after my wife went to bed, and eventually I found a website that specialised in … putting people together.

            CLEAVER
Kind of like Tinder for cannibals…

            JOYCE
Mr Greene, please! I can’t abide that word!

            CLEAVER
My apologies, it was quite distasteful of me.

            JOYCE
There were a lot of testimonials on the site, but it was slow going, with a lot of promises made but never provided. In fact I was close to giving up all together before I met Hendrik in the chatroom and, well, I know it sounds strange, but as soon as I met him I knew he was the one. We just clicked.
           
            STINTON
Perhaps we could move forward a little?

            JOYCE
Sorry, of course. We chatted for months about it, building a real relationship online, and I admit I was so nervous to meet him the first time!

            STINTON
Which was when?

            JOYCE
A few months ago, in Augsburg - I went there to speak at a conference, Hendrik lived nearby in Munich, and it just seemed too good an opportunity to lose. He came to the second day of the conference and heard my speech, and I was on such a high when I finished! We left together, had a few drinks and some dinner, and by the end of the night it was all arranged.

            STINTON
He agreed to be … consumed?

            JOYCE
Oh yes, he was insistent! He was pushing me to bring the date forward, he was so keen to get going!

            BARNEY
So what happened on the night in question?

            JOYCE
We arranged to meet on that night, as my wife was staying with her sister - they’re twins and it was their birthday, and they get together every year to celebrate. I picked up Hendrik from City Airport, and we were like giggling schoolgirls, we were just so excited! I’ve rented a lock up over that way for a number of years, just as a storage facility, and we headed straight over there - I’d tidied up earlier and prepared the space, laying down plastic sheeting and so on, as well as preparing a temporary dining area. He laughed as soon as he saw it, and said it was perfect! Then we opened a bottle of wine and had a drink.

            CLEAVER
It sounds like the date was going well. What about the video?

            JOYCE
We knew we had to get the video made before we had too much to drink - we didn’t want anyone to think it was a spur of the moment decision made under the effect of alcohol.

            CLEAVER
Some of those are my favourite decisions.

            JOYCE
[Ignores CLEAVER] We had discussed what he would say in the video previously, of course, and he had memorised a script, but he couldn’t help but ad-lib a few comments in the excitement of the moment! And then we had a little light salad - neither of us wanted to eat anything too heavy just then! - and another glass of wine. When we finished it I looked at him and asked if he was ready, he looked at me excitedly and said yes, and we went over to the bench I had prepared.

            STINTON
And?

            JOYCE
And he lay down and took the pills - it didn’t take long, he was asleep in minutes, and gone not long after, although it seemed to take much longer! I stuck a large carving knife straight into his heart, as recommended on the site, cut his throat and wrists and pushed buckets underneath him to collect the blood, before dismembering him. It was all in accordance with his wishes, and I was proud that it went off exactly as I’d promised him.

            BARNEY
[Queazily] And then … the other bit?

            JOYCE
I’d been spending months dreaming of what I would eat first, and I even asked Hendrik if he had any preferences, but he didn’t. In the end it came down to my school years - they used to make us eat liver and onions every week, and I hated it, it was always overcooked and bland, and I knew I could do better. I ate Hendrik’s liver with some onions I’d sweated down earlier, rare, with the remainder of the bottle of wine. It was a good pairing, if I say so myself.

CLEAVER
Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
That’s all we shall know for truth
        Before we grow old and die.
I lift the glass to my mouth,
        I look at you, and I sigh.       

STINTON
        Cleaver!

JOYCE
[At the same time] Precisely, Mr Greene, precisely! It’s good to know that my defence team understand me so well! But before you go, can you please do me one favour.

            CLEAVER
[Suspiciously] If we can, we will.

            JOYCE
It’s just that I’m so worried about my wife - I’m sure they’re saying all sorts of things to her, and she’s not by nature a strong person, God bless her. So can you just make sure she is okay, that she is not too stressed by what she may have heard or read, and most importantly can you tell her not to worry about us - I love her more than the day I married her, I am still committed to making our relationship work, and that we can get through all this. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!

            CLEAVER
Perhaps I’ll just paraphrase that when we visit her this afternoon…





SCENE 10

EXT. LOCATION

Outside the gaol. CLEAVER GREENE, BARNEY MEAGHER and SIMON STINTON QC are walking towards the tube station.

                    BARNEY
        Well, at least he’s insane.

                    CLEAVER
        Which is unfortunate, but not illegal, at least.

                    STINTON
We’ve got some work to do on this one, that’s for sure. We can’t look like we’ve done nothing when he gets sentenced. And it’s an election year - the government won’t want this stretched out, there’s got to be the potential for some sort of deal.

            CLEAVER
And, of course, there’s the added benefit for us that he’s not guilty.

            STINTON
What on earth are you talking about, Cleaver?

            CLEAVER
He can’t murder someone who asked to be killed.

            BARNEY
Cleaver, he ate a German.

            CLEAVER
Which is a social faux pas, certainly, and will be problematic next time the Prime Minister meets with the Chancellor, but they haven’t charged him with cannibalism, they’ve charged him with murder. I agree that there was forethought, and I agree that Mr Schulten is dead, but I don’t agree that there was malice - he carried out the requests of the deceased to the letter.

            STINTON
There’s little doubt that it’s an actus reus Greene, and that’s enough for me. But I don’t have time to debate the intentions of a mad man, I have lunch at my club with Lord Farquhar, and I don’t intend to be late.

            CLEAVER
Farquhar? How is he still alive, let alone on the bench! Didn’t he preside over the Nuremberg war trials? And even then he was getting on a bit. The man must be 105 in the shade.

            STINTON
A solid diet of scotch and sauerkraut has pickled him from the inside, most likely. And I intend to keep feeding it to him while he’s alive. You might want to consider getting onboard with the odd judge yourself Greene - it couldn’t do you any harm.

            CLEAVER
Thank you for the career advice Stinton, but if I’m having trouble sleeping there are easier ways to manage the problem than to consort with … those sorts of people.

            STINTON
Very well, it’s your funeral. Can I trust you and Meagher to interview the wife without resorting to more Yeats? It tends to put the wind up people, if I’m brutally honest.

            CLEAVER
    The intellect of man is forced to choose
perfection of the life, or of the work,
And if it take the second must refuse
A heavenly mansion, raging in the dark.

            STINTON
I’m voting for the work and the mansion. But lunch first. Don’t let him go too far with her, Meagher.

            BARNEY
I’ll try, Stinton.




SCENE 11

INT. LOCATION

NICOLA DOTTORINI is showing HELEN JOYCE, IAIN’s wife, through an office, looking in and out of offices as they walk, looking for someone.

                    NICOLA
It’s just down here … oh sorry, not this one, the office over here … no, sorry, it’s this office on the right … yes, here they are! Cleaver, Barney, Helen Joyce to see you.

            CLEAVER
Thank you Nicola, very kind. Mrs Joyce, very good of you to come in to see us, I know it can’t have been easy given everything that’s happened.

            HELEN
It can’t have been easy? I’ve got paparazzi camping outside my front door day and night, all hoping to catch me out! They abuse me every time I step out the front door! What’s for dinner, Helen? Something smells nice, Helen! Out for a quick bite, Helen? I had to jump over my back fence and exit through Carol’s house this morning, just to avoid them! I can’t take any more of this!

            BARNEY
We’re sure it must be unbearable, and of course if there is anything we can do to make life a little easier, please let us know and we will try and help.

            HELEN
It’s just … you think you know where your life is going, what it holds for you, what you can achieve with your time, and you think ‘this is okay, I can handle anything life throws at me’, and then something like this happens, and you just don’t know what you can do anymore. Your life can be gone overnight, and suddenly the world you thought you understood has been replaced by something … else, something much, much worse.

            CLEAVER
I understand, Helen - may I call you Helen? I perfectly understand.

            HELEN
I wish that you did, Mr Greene - it would be nice to think that somebody does.

            CLEAVER
Indeed. And I’m afraid that this meeting may contribute to your pain, but unfortunately we need to understand as much as we can about your husband’s … indiscretions as we can.

            HELEN
Indiscretions? It’s not like he fucked some other woman at work - I wish that was all he did, and that’s where my life is now! Oh god. He ate a German!

            CLEAVER
Indeed, and it can’t be particularly helpful for his colleagues, given his recent role with the government.

[BARNEY shoots CLEAVER a bitter look, HELEN sobs loudly]

            CLEAVER
I do apologise, although I’m afraid I am going to have to ask you some questions that will be hurtful, and we really do need to push you on them, I’m afraid. Firstly, you are aware that the police found some … parts vacuum-packed in your freezer?

            HELEN
Yes, I read it online. He told me he was going to make Osso Bucco for Carol and Jim next week! Oh god, you don’t suppose … he wasn’t going to feed it to us, was he?

            CLEAVER
I’m sure he would do nothing of the sort! Perhaps he just wanted you to leave it alone, so that, well, he could enjoy it when you were out. Did you have any travel plans organised?

            HELEN
I was supposed to be going to visit my sister in Slough tomorrow, but that’s out the window now, what with the bloody paparazzi everywhere….

            CLEAVER
Well there you go, perhaps he had … plans for your time away.

            HELEN
Oh god, he was a bloody vegetarian when I met him! Do you think I had something to do with … this? I made him try meat for the first time in 15 years not long after we started seeing each other, and 10 years later he’s become … this.

            BARNEY
I’m sure you had nothing to do with any of this, Helen.

            CLEAVER
Indeed, please put your mind at rest, there is no chance at all that you made him into a … well, that you affected his rationalisations. There’s plenty of people in the world, including all of us here, who enjoy a good ribeye from time to time without looking to progress up the food chain.

[BARNEY shoots him another dirty look]

            BARNEY
What would be useful, Helen, is if you could tell us of any incident where your husband showed any sort of tendencies towards violence.

            HELEN
Violence? No no, Steven has never been violent. Never! He doesn’t have a violent bone in his body - he can’t even stand to watch violence on TV. Whenever we’re watching something where someone gets punched he flinches and looks away, and I have to tell him when it’s over. No, he hates violence.

            BARNEY
Thank you Helen, that is very helpful.

            CLEAVER
And we need your help with respect to choosing the appropriate defence witnesses, people with sufficient gravitas to show the jury that his friends are of such high moral character that he could never…

            HELEN
Defence witnesses? You mean our friends? In court?

            CLEAVER
Indeed. Say, three or four of your closest friends? You mentioned a Jim and a Carol, for starters?

            HELEN
[Shouts] No! Jim and Carol will not defend him, and I won’t ask them to! I won’t ask any of our friends! My friends, god no - they’ve got families! I could never ask them to do … that!

            CLEAVER
[Looks at a piece of paper on his desk] What about … there’s a Luke Myers listed here, he was apparently a family friend of long standing?

            HELEN
No! I will not ask Luke, or Stuart, or anyone else we know, to go to court and be a part of … all this! It’s a circus, and it’s made my life a living hell - I will not, I refuse to let Steven drag my friends into his cesspit of depravity!

            CLEAVER
Quite so, quite so, I completely understand your position. What say we adjourn for now and come back to it when we’ve all had a bit of time to reflect on the way forward.

            HELEN
I will not give you my friends! I don’t even know if they still are my friends!

            CLEAVER
Of course, of course. What say you call a friend you can trust for a bite to eat, and quite a bit of wine. Barney here will take you downstairs and put you into a cab. Thank you so much for your time today, Helen.

[BARNEY and HELEN leave, CLEAVER sits at his desk and looks at some papers before opening his laptop, and typing FRESH MEAT into the browser. The website opens, he potters around it for a bit and finds the chat forum]

        CHAT SCREEN: anyone out there?
        CLEAVER: Hello?
        CHAT SCREEN: RU hungry?

[CLEAVER slams laptop shut]





SCENE 12

INT. LOCATION

Night, back at the brothel. CLEAVER GREENE talks to MADAM (Barbara)

                CLEAVER
I am very aware that it’s not my night, Mistress Overdone, but we have a relationship of long standing, and I would have thought that that would count for something.

        MADAM
It does count for something, Cleaver, and you know that you are one of my dearest customers. But I can’t provide you with what I don’t have - Missy’s gone.

        CLEAVER
Look, I understand she may be … otherwise occupied, but I am prepared to wait. Come on Barbara, why don’t we open a cheeky little Barolo to pass the time.

        MADAM
Two things: one, you know I know better than to start drinking with you, because we’ve been down that road before, and it didn’t end well for anyone. And secondly, she’s not delayed - she’s gone, left, quit.

        CLEAVER
But, but … where has she gone? Is she working for Morag now? You know I don’t approve of her little outfit - it doesn’t have the sophistication you bring to your endeavour here. I mean I’ll go - it’s Missy - but I won’t enjoy it. As much.

        MADAM
She isn’t working for Morag, or for anyone else come to that. She’s out of the game, she’s gone to university. She’s reading law - you should be flattered.

        CLEAVER
I can’t be happy about another life destroyed on that particular Sisyphean endeavour. And because of me? Gah!

        MADAM
Come on Cleaver, why don’t we open that Barolo now - we can take it back to the sitting room.

        CLEAVER
Thank you Barbara, you’re a rock of solace in a dark and stormy sea, but I think I need to be alone tonight.

        MADAM
As long as you’re sure, but the offer is always there. Go home Cleaver, you look like you could use some sleep.

        CLEAVER
When is that ever not the case? But thank you for worrying - I’m not convinced that a wretch like me deserves such succour.

[CLEAVER walks out, stands in the street in front of the house and calls a number, but it is disconnected, heads down the road disconsolately]




SCENE 13

INT. LOCATION

Clean, light room with a window, two sofas opposite each other with a coffee table between them holding magazines, a notepad, and a fruit bowl. CLEAVER GREENE and WENDY PROCTOR have a sofa each, CLEAVER reclining, WENDY sitting up.

        CLEAVER
What hurts the most is that she didn’t say anything to me - she just disappeared. Her phone is disconnected, her email and social media accounts have been deleted - there’s no trace of her anymore. I don’t even have a photo of her, because we never took any!

        WENDY
I should hope not, considering how you met…

        CLEAVER
Sure, it’s easy to scoff. But I’ve been with Missy for five years!

        WENDY
That must be some sort of personal record for you, Cleaver.

        CLEAVER
Oh come on Doc, don’t mock me - I’m in despair!

        WENDY
Sorry, you’re right: it’s remarkably common for men to fall in love with prostitutes, and as you say, you’ve been seeing her for five years, so the sorrow you feel is a natural reaction to the loss of a substantial relationship.

        CLEAVER
Indeed, and I spent all night wondering what I did, what pushed her away, what caused her to leave me after all this time. I don’t even know how she actually felt about me, what I meant to her.

        WENDY
But did she actually leave you, or did she leave her situation? You have to see it from her perspective: she’s still young, she has a lot of life ahead of her and has made a good living, I imagine, so why not take that and try to better herself, to make a brighter future?

        CLEAVER
Sure, I see your point, but as a lawyer? Has she learnt nothing from me?

        WENDY
Well you are an exceptional cautionary tale, granted, but everyone deserves the right to make their own mistakes…

        CLEAVER
Not today Doc, not today. I just can’t get her out of my head - I spent all night wondering if I meant anything to her at all.

        WENDY
The obvious thing is to look at the nature of your relationship, and work from there. Obviously you were paying her for … her services, but we need to look beyond that. I know she came to see you in rehab - did you pay her for that?

        CLEAVER
Which time?

        WENDY
Either time.

        CLEAVER
To be honest the whole period was a bit of a blur. But I don’t think so, no.

        WENDY
Well there you go, that’s something to go with.

        CLEAVER
I just … I just miss her.

        WENDY
[sighs] Okay, what do you miss most?

        CLEAVER
The sex, of course.

        WENDY
Cleaver!

        CLEAVER
Well come on, she was a prostitute, after all. And also the backgammon - she really knew her way around the board. The number of times we’d get playing and just lose all sense of time…

[The door opens, FUZZ GREENE walks in]

        FUZZ
Hi Mum, I just … oh sorry, I didn’t realise you had someone in.

        CLEAVER
Hello Fuzz, how are you?

        FUZZ
[coldly] Oh, it’s you. Hello father, are you well? I heard your whore left you.

        CLEAVER
Fuzz, she has a name! She’s called Missy!

        FUZZ
Is she really? Her parents must have been great readers.

        WENDY
Leave your father alone Finn, he’s had a tough week. Are you in for dinner?

        FUZZ
It depends - is he staying?

        WENDY
We haven’t discussed it.

        FUZZ
Right, well I won’t intrude, I’ll be in my room.

[FUZZ leaves, closing the door behind him]

                CLEAVER
        He seems well.

                WENDY
You were his age once, and thank god I didn’t know you then. Look, go upstairs and see him, will you? There’s something going on with him at the moment, but obviously he’s not going to tell me - maybe you can get something out of him.

        CLEAVER
The boy has a shrink for a mother and me for a father - there’d be something wrong if he didn’t have something going on with him.

        WENDY
Just go and make sure your son isn’t repeating any of your habits, Cleaver - that’ll have to do for a baseline at the moment.

        CLEAVER
He’s a teenager - he’ll get better.

        WENDY
Did you?

        CLEAVER
Ah, but so few people have the stamina and the aptitude to replicate my endeavours.

        WENDY
Thank heavens for small mercies. Go and see your son.



SCENE 14

INT. LOCATION

FUZZ’s bedroom. FUZZ GREENE is at his desk, CLEAVER GREENE knocks on the door and enters.

                CLEAVER
Hello son, your mother thought I should make sure you’re alright. [sniffs] Phew, although by the smell of things in here you seem to be two weeks dead. Why do teenage boys have to be so nasally repellent? Surely their personalities do enough heavy lifting to keep people at a safe distance.

        FUZZ
Thanks Dad, feel free to stay as far away as you think is appropriate for safety reasons.

        CLEAVER
I think I’ll risk it just this once, Fuzz. How’s school? Are they teaching you anything of value?

        FUZZ
Not really, just endless poetry. You’d love it. We’re doing Byron at the moment, which is just beyond useless - I couldn’t even get a job at his burger place with it.

        CLEAVER
Poetry isn’t useless, you neanderthal, it serves the highest purpose on earth - removing girls from their underwear!

        FUZZ
Yeah, I’m not sure that pays too well.

        CLEAVER
Not everything worthwhile in life is about financial remuneration!

        FUZZ
I have you as living proof of that, Dad…

        CLEAVER
[Picks up book from Fuzz’s desk]
She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that’s best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellowed to that tender light
        Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

Fuck me Fuzz, what girl could say no to a description such as that?

        FUZZ
Any girl in my class, going on today’s lesson.

        CLEAVER
The fairer sex are always liable to topple to the literary masters, if my life is any guide - it’s all about application.

        FUZZ
I really don’t want to hear about your applications, thanks all the same. But as you’re here, I do want to ask for a favour.

        CLEAVER
I cannot deny you a thing, my boy - what is it you need?

        FUZZ
Can you tell Mum I was at your place on Saturday?

        CLEAVER
You know I can’t lie to your mother.

        FUZZ
I can’t believe you said that with a straight face.

        CLEAVER
Fair enough, let me rephrase - you know I can’t lie to your mother about you.

        FUZZ
Come on Dad, I generally don’t ask you for a thing - I just need this one favour.

        CLEAVER
And why on earth would I lie to your mother about that? What were you up to, anyway?

        FUZZ
Let’s just say I was in an intimate poetry group.

        CLEAVER
My son! I knew there was some of me somewhere in there, deeply hidden from her best attempts to cauterise it! But still, asking me to lie to your mother so you can spend some time with a girl - what would the shrink say?

        FUZZ
She’d say you’re living down to her expectations.


SCENE 15

INT. LOCATION

Kitchen of WENDY’s house. CLEAVER GREENE and WENDY PROCTOR are finishing a glass of water, WENDY is looking at her phone.

                WENDY
The cab is going to be here soon. You know, you could call a cab just as easily as me - you just have to download an app onto your phone.

        CLEAVER
Come on Wendy, you know that technology and I are poor bedfellows.

        WENDY
It’s not just technology. Hey, while I think about it, how was last Saturday?

        CLEAVER
I’m sorry?

        WENDY
With Fuzz?

        CLEAVER
Oh right, sure. It was great.

        WENDY
You did see him on Saturday, right?

        CLEAVER
Sure, sure, we had a boy’s night at my place - pizza, a few beers, coke for him of course, a movie on TV and a chat, you know, putting the world to rights.

        WENDY
On a Saturday night? I thought you’d be out looking for trouble.

        CLEAVER
I live in King’s Cross - trouble is my doorman. But no, quiet night in with the boy, talking about girls and sport and so on.

        WENDY
Now I know you’re lying to me - I know more about sport than you do. But anyway, while you’re here there’s something I’ve been hoping to discuss with you. The school rang earlier in the week, and they said that we are 8,000 short on his fees for the year. I know I’ve paid my share, but you promised that you would pay them directly this year.

        CLEAVER
Ah, yes, to be honest that had slipped my mind, but I will put it right soon.

        WENDY
Cleaver, they said they will expel him if they don’t receive the funds - I put them off for a month, but you have to pay them. You know what it will do to him if he gets kicked out! He’s too gentle for state school now.

        CLEAVER
Don’t worry, don’t worry, I’m junior counsel on that cannibal thing, that should easily cover the fees.

        WENDY
You’re on that? That figures.

        CLEAVER
Yes, Stinton brought me in - I think he figured I’d take some of the stink of it away from him, so he won’t be embarrassed at his club. He tells them I brought him in, for guidance.

        WENDY
As if you’d listen to anything Stinton ever told you - you don’t even listen to people you profess to like.

        CLEAVER
I will listen to anyone who provides me with funds to cover Fuzz’s fees.

        WENDY
Right, well anyway, wish Barney a happy birthday - you are going over now, I assume?

        CLEAVER
Shit, Barney! I mean, yes, of course I am. I can tell the driver we’re going somewhere else, can’t I?

        WENDY
You’ve always been good at telling people where to go - why stop now?
SCENE 16

INT. LOCATION

Front room of BARNEY and SCARLETT’s house. CLEAVER GREENE coming in the door holding a bottle of scotch, BARNEY MEAGHER and SCARLETT ENGEL welcome him in, their children ARTHUR, ELISABETH and POLLY are playing on the floor.

                CLEAVER
Barnabus, happy birthday mon frere dangereaux, here’s a little something to take the sting out of the acceleration of the aging process.

        BARNEY
Thanks Cleaver - lovely wrapping.

        CLEAVER
I thought why waste your time tearing through something you’ll obviously throw away anyway - time is of the essence in our advanced years!

        SCARLETT
Nice save. How are Wendy and Finnigan?

        CLEAVER
They’re well, and send their love. [Loudly] Hello kids, who’s got a hug for their favourite uncle?

[The kids look up and run over, smiling]

        ARTHUR
Uncle Cleaver! I made this tower for you! [hands over lego tower]

        CLEAVER
Outstanding work Arthur, we’ll make an engineer of you yet - far more useful to society than a stinky old lawyer, like your Dad!

        POLLY and ELISABETH
I made you this too! [hands over toys as Cleaver picks them both up for a hug]

        ARTHUR
Did you come for Daddy’s birthday?

        CLEAVER
You know what? I didn’t - I came here to see you three urchins!

[CLEAVER tickles the kids, who squeal delightedly]

        ARTHUR
All the grown ups are in there at the table. They’re being boring.

        CLEAVER
No change there, I’m afraid, but I suppose I should go and say hello to them, as I’m here.

        POLLY
Okay, but don’t forget to come back and play with us later.

        CLEAVER
I’d much rather play with you monkeys than talk to that lot, I can assure you!

[CLEAVER walks through and greets the other guests, kissing the women and shaking hands with the men before sitting down at an empty seat]

        WOMAN 1
Oh Cleaver, we were just talking about that horrid case you and Barney are working on. How on earth can you defend that wretched man after what he’s done?

        CLEAVER
If not us, then whom? He’s a wretch, as you note, but every wretch deserves the best defence be made available to him or her, as enshrined in the laws of this land, to protect him from the weight of the judicial system come to bear upon him in court.

        WOMAN 2
But he ate a German, Cleaver!

        CLEAVER
Allegedly so, as I’ve heard on a number of occasions, but in which case who needs a stronger defence more than he? Although given the current political climate I’d almost expect certain types to ennoble him for services to Brexit…

        MAN 1
Maybe he’ll get a celebrity cooking show out of it! Did he say what human flesh tastes like?

        CLEAVER
I’m not going to dignify that with an answer. And it’s definitely unlike osso bucco.

[JOE CAPTON and wife AUDREY walk in and greet everyone]    

        WOMAN 1
Oh Joe, I’m so happy you’re here! Can’t you try to talk some sense into Cleaver? He thinks that horrible man working for you deserves to be let off!

        JOE
I’ve been attempting that fool’s errand since university - it’s far too many years in to have another go round now. And he didn’t work for me - he worked for Karl Miller!

        CLEAVER
I thought everyone was equal in cabinet under this Prime Minister? You’re all comrades in arms as you sail the great ship of state over the waterfall of economic calamity!

        JOE
Come on Cleaver, we’re leading the way towards a newly glorious future - surely you heard the PM’s latest speech on the topic?

        CLEAVER
Well you’re one economist down now - let’s see what the rest of them get up to, to avoid having to spend anymore time working for that imbecile at the Department of Trade.

        JOE
But you’re working to get him off - it seems like you actually want him back in Karl’s tender embrace.

        CLEAVER
Once bitten, twice shy, as the economist said to the Secretary of State…

        JOE
Cleaver! But how can you justify working on that … person’s defence? I know you need the work to finance your ... elaborate lifestyle, but even you must draw the line somewhere. Where’s the justice in defending someone like that?

        CLEAVER
Justice? I couldn’t give a fuck about justice. What does justice even mean? It’s indefinable. It’s the bloviated braying of an enraged and entitled mob,  it’s the toxic fart wafting off a crowd looking to make someone else suffer for some imagined insult felt on the behalf of someone they’ve never met, and would probably have crossed a road to avoid. Justice is a blowjob given to a corpse - a pointless activity which rewards no one and sullies the memories of everyone involved over time.

JOE
Very clever, Cleaver - but if you don’t believe in justice, then just what is it that you do believe in?

CLEAVER
I believe in the law, Joe. The rule of law is stable, just, evenly applied and efficient - you’re the Attorney General, you should know all of this. Law is fair, justice is mob-handed. If a law is unfair it can be changed; if justice is unfair it crushes and maims. The law protects and nourishes a society; justice is that society’s hidden shame, brought into the light and unleashed. I’ve spent my career fighting against people like you who whip society into a frenzy in the name of justice, and the sword and shield I use in that fight is the law.

        JOE
That’s a very noble sentiment, and it holds water until we look at the reprobates that are your clients - if there is a single major criminal you haven’t defended over the years, it’s only an error of oversight.

        CLEAVER
Maybe my clients aren’t the productive automatons you and your party are so evidently keen on creating out of the hollowed husks of our population, but they are citizens of the country you profess to represent in our parliament, and as such are entitled to the same protections under law as you or, heaven forfend, me.

JOE
Okay, I accept that they deserve a defence. But why do you have to put so much effort into defending these … scum?

CLEAVER
Because that’s my job, Joseph, and because I can. If you believe they deserve to face the full weight of the law, perhaps you should send someone who believes in the law as much as I do to disagree with me.

        JOE
[Angrily] Oh we will, Cleaver, we certainly will.

SCENE 17

INT. LOCATION

Kitchen of BARNEY and SCARLETT’s house. CLEAVER GREENE and SCARLETT ENGEL talking over a glass of wine, after the dinner party. SCARLETT is stacking the dishes in the dishwasher

                SCARLETT
Well that was quite the scene you made tonight Cleaver. Winning friends and influencing people as ever.

        CLEAVER
Oh come on Red, you know as well as I do that those people don’t give a fuck about the law, because they don’t do what we do - all they care about is scaremongering on the 24 hour news networks and faux outrage on Facebook. All we can do is chip away at the edges of their pre-mixed opinions and point them vaguely in the direction of the truth.

        SCARLETT
The truth? Whose truth is that, because I didn’t recognise it, and I know a thing or two about the law too. And I also know that, if I want to continue my career in the law, pissing off the Attorney General is not the sharpest way to do so.

        CLEAVER
Joe gave up on the law when he went into politics, and it was probably just as well - his results made my academic career look like a beacon of virtue, let alone yours! He should have read PPE like the rest of those bottom feeders before heading to Westminster, and left the outside world to the rest of us to mess up ourselves.

        SCARLETT
Whatever, I gave up long ago trying to give you career advice. But in other news, Barney told me that your … friend has flown the coop.

        CLEAVER
He told you about Missy? Is nothing sacred to that man? I mean, I’ve carried him through his career, and this is how he repays me?

        SCARLETT
Don’t be an idiot, Cleaver - you tell me about her every time you’ve had too much red wine. Which is basically every time I see you.

        CLEAVER
Right, fair enough. Yes, she has run off and left me, and to study law, no less. I feel sullied.

        SCARLETT
Maybe you should take it as a compliment.

        CLEAVER
Not you too. No, an actual compliment would have been to stay, because nothing else on earth could compensate her for the loss of time with me. I’m not convinced you understand the concept of compliments.

        SCARLETT
I’m not sure you do. Are you going to be okay?

        CLEAVER
Of course, of course, worse things happen at sea. But she was lovely Red - you and she have a lot in common, actually.

        SCARLETT
Really? How so?

        CLEAVER
Something about your eyes, and how you carry yourselves. You don’t look alike, but there’s something there. I see you in court, how you cross a room with such grace - you both have a certain … lightness of bearing.

[SCARLETT leans into the kitchen island CLEAVER is leaning against, picks up her wine glass before looking up at him, and takes a big gulp of wine. Just then BARNEY walks in with some more plates, and they step apart]

        BARNEY
Alright, don’t mind me then.

        CLEAVER
Sorry Barney, you’ve caught me bang to rights trying to steal Scarlett away from you. I can’t apologise enough.

        BARNEY
No problem Jack, you can give it your best shot but I know she’s in love with me, so you don’t have much chance.

        CLEAVER
I fear that you are right, more is the pity. If only I hadn’t got quite so drunk on Freshers’ Night, this story would have been so very different!

        BARNEY
Of course it would mate, and I’m sure the fact that she was asleep in the seat next to you would have made no difference to this fiction you’ve run up in your head. But I’ve got to take the kids to trampolining in the morning, so I’m off to bed - Scarlett, let him down gently, okay?

        SCARLETT
Don’t I always? Good night my love.

        BARNEY
Good night my love. Good night Cleaver.

        CLEAVER
Good night, my friend. [They hug, and CLEAVER watches him go upstairs] Now, where were we? Oh yes, we were discussing your endless grace.

        SCARLETT
That’s right - endless, nameless.

        CLEAVER
Oh yes, it’s the love that dare not speak it’s name, but say it and we'll go, we’ll leave this clip joint and fly. You, my dear, could lead me to a life of crime. He’s the best friend I’ve ever had, and possibly the only one, but surely we both know what we have between us is many times stronger than that.

        SCARLETT
Oh god…

[SCARLETT runs out of the house]


SCENE 18

EXT. LOCATION

Outside Barney and Scarlett’s house. SCARLETT ENGELS runs out, CLEAVER GREENE follows her.     

        CLEAVER
Come on Red, I was just joking - you must know that?

        SCARLETT
[Crying] Of course I know that - I’m not a complete moron - but I just can’t do this to him anymore.

        CLEAVER
Do what? It was just a little harmless flirtation, we do it every time we’re together.

SCARLETT
Not that, you idiot - it’s … it’s just … everything.

CLEAVER
For a brilliant QC, you’re not putting together much of a cogent argument at the moment…

        SCARLETT
I’m not … it’s just … he’s such a good man, such a good father, such a good person, but I just … I’m not a good person Cleaver, I can’t do this anymore.

CLEAVER
Do what?

        SCARLETT
Be with him. With Barney.

        CLEAVER
What has he done this time? Just tell me, and I’ll beat him soundly until he atones.

        SCARLETT
He’s got nothing to atone for - that’s the point - he’s too good, too pure, and I’m not worthy of being with him.

        CLEAVER
On the understanding that I’m am probably the last person who should opine on the worthiness of anyone, I’ll just state that I don’t know any two people who deserve each other more - you two were made for each other, and I’ve known it ever since the first week at Cambridge. I saw how you two looked at each other, I saw how he walked over to talk to you that first time and within seconds your heads were together, like thieves plotting a robbery, I saw how you entwined your lives from that moment on. If you’re telling me you’re bored then fine, I agree - he’s my friend, I know how boring he can be - but to say you’re not worthy of his love is stupidity of the highest order. That man lives to be with you, and as the person who has stood next to him for much of that time, I can only add that I understand why. You’re radiant, you fool, and whatever he did that allowed him to trade up to someone as glorious as you has been repaid over each and every one of those years by the love you’ve bestowed upon him.

        SCARLETT
[sobbing] I’m sorry … you’re right, I worship that man. It’s just that sometimes I will watch him with the kids, see the faces of all them together, so happy and uncomplicated, and I think that I’m not worthy of him.

        CLEAVER
No, it’s me that’s not worthy of him - you’re his final Lego block, you’re his completion.

        SCARLETT
Thank you Cleaver. It’s … it’s been a tough week, I’m just emotional.

        CLEAVER
Think nothing of it, my dear. Now get back in there and ravish him - he’s taking the kids to trampolining in the morning, he’s needs something to take his mind off it.

        SCARLETT
[laughs] Thanks, you’re right, I will! Goodnight Cleaver.

        CLEAVER
Goodnight dearest.

[CLEAVER watches SCARLETT return inside, looking wistful. He takes one step towards the house, then stops]

        CLEAVER
[ruefully] Fuck.

[CLEAVER looks down to see the wine glass in his hand, drains it and places it gently on the step, looks up at the streetlight, lights a cigarette and walks off slowly]


SCENE 19

EXT. LOCATION

Morning. Walking through a park (Coram’s Fields?) CLEAVER GREENE sees MISSY, double takes and looks like he’s going to shout, but stops himself and follows her through London (montage) to college (King’s or LSE), where Missy goes into a coffee shop.


SCENE 20

INT. LOCATION

Coffee shop - MISSY collects a coffee and sits down to read a text book. CLEAVER GREENE approaches her, looking furious.

        CLEAVER
So what the actual fucking fuck are you fucking doing here, Missy? I mean ... fuck!

        MISSY
[coldly] Hello Cleaver, so wonderful to see you too. Do you think you could hold the swearing down to actual human levels, just for the sake of common decency?

        CLEAVER
Fuck common decency, I want to know what the fuck you’re doing!

        MISSY
I’m having a coffee, which I thought was pretty obvious. And I’m reading this book before my class, because I’m studying law.

        CLEAVER
Yes, so I heard. And don’t think that I’m flattered, just because you’re looking to follow me into the law - if anything I’m disappointed that you didn’t learn anything from my dismal example and study something useful, such as art or philosophy.

        MISSY
You had less than nothing to do with my decision - my father used to be a lawyer, before he moved into diplomacy. Something you wouldn’t know how to spell, let alone perform.

        CLEAVER
It’s a trick question - it’s with an S. But come on Missy, how could you just leave without so much as a goodbye, let alone an explanation. What we felt for each other was real!

        MISSY
What we had was a business arrangement, nothing more.

        CLEAVER
No, I simply don’t accept that - you were there for me, you helped me when no one else would.

        MISSY
No, I was simply who you needed me to be, and you paid me for the performance - some guys want someone to order them about, some guys want someone to dominate, some guys want someone to talk to, some guys want someone to love them. You wanted me to be your friend - that was the job.

        CLEAVER
But you … you made me happy.

        MISSY
And that’s why you paid me so well.

        CLEAVER
But what about everything we shared together? Foreign language documentaries at the Renoir, Thursday evening strolls through the tastefully grungy galleries of East London, the books of Gabriel Garcia Marquez and the music of Spoon. I shared all of these things with you, I shared what they mean to me with you. Hell, backgammon, Missy - what about bloody backgammon?

        MISSY
And I thank you for all of them, but that part of my life is over now, and I’m moving on to the next part, a part which doesn’t contain you. You’ve always valued my discretion when we were out and about - I trust that I can equally rely on your discretion now.

[Missy closes her book, puts it in her backpack, and picks up her coffee]

        CLEAVER
[coldly] Of course. Of course you can.

        MISSY
Goodbye Cleaver. And thanks again.

[Missy leaves the coffee shop, Cleaver watches her go]


SCENE 21

INT. LOCATION

Lecture room filling with students, MISSY walks in takes a seat. CLEAVER GREENE, looking frazzled, peers into the room and sees Missy, looks as though he’s going to walk over to her but rethinks, then walks down to the front of the class to the lectern.

                CLEAVER
Hello, please take your seats everyone, I’m afraid Professor Bumwhistle can’t be with us today, and he has asked me to fill in for him. I am Cleaver Greene of counsel, practicing out of Waterstreet Chambers at Gray’s Inn - I suspect that many of you may have heard of me over your time here.

[Shot of Missy, who sees Cleaver and slumps down, embarrassed]

        STUDENT 1
[typing in laptop] Sorry, Christopher Beam?

        CLEAVER
[slowly] Clee-ver Gree-n. With an e.

        STUDENT 1
QC?

        CLEAVER
Not a silk, no, I didn’t see the point in jumping through all those political hoops for a couple of little letters. You don’t need to be a QC to practice, do you? So what does it really mean, at the end of the day?

        STUDENT 2
That you can charge more?

        CLEAVER
Sure, and naturally I’ve thought about that over the years, how much those bastards are charging just because they’re in their fancy little club. [distractedly] But that’s not why we’re here today. Why are we here, I hear you ask?

[Blank faces on students, Missy puts her hand over her eyes]

        CLEAVER
Why are we here? [looks around the lectern, finds some papers, picks them up and reads] Why, we’re here to consider the Consumer Protection from Unfair Trading Regulations, which are regulations very, very dear to my heart.

[reads further] Brought into force on 26 May 2008, which was my birthday I might add, I was … well never mind that, the purpose of the regulations are to protect us from unfair or misleading practices in any commercial transactions, giving the consumer a number of remedies, including enforcement orders and leading anywhere up to criminal proceedings.

[brightens, looks at Missy] But that’s all quite dry, isn’t it? Nothing demonstrates a legal principle better than an example. Can anyone think of one.

[hands raise around the room] No, no one? [more hands] Right, why don’t I give you one then. Let’s say you have an … ongoing relationship with a sole trader, perhaps a trader to whom you have been returning for many years and with whom you have engaged extensively in … mutually rewarding trade. Clearly this relationship has been beneficial for both parties, and it’s certain that the parties will be … reliant upon the continuation of these mutually satisfying transactions for their respective requirements.

[Missy puts her head in her hands] And now let’s say that the sole trader decides unilaterally that she is withdrawing her trade, that in fact she will no longer transact business with you any further, with no warning or explanation. So what then?

[Missy stands up, collects her coat and bag, and starts to leave] What do you think, Miss? Do you think the actions of this trader are fair or transparent?

        MISSY
[dry, angrily] Maybe the trader was going out of business. There’s no law against that.

        CLEAVER
[loudly] Is there not? What do you think everyone? Is this not precisely the point of the Unfair Trading Regulations?

        STUDENT 2
[quietly] I’m not really sure that it is…

        CLEAVER
That’s right, the regulations are there entirely to protect the innocent consumer from harsh, unfair actions by a trader denying their services for reasons known only to themselves…

        MISSY
Sometimes the consumer is an arsehole. What do your regulations say about that! [walks out, tries to slam the door but the entering professor catches it, looking confused as he walks down the stairs]

        CLEAVER
[deflated] It appears that the regulations are silent on that important point.

[looks around at the students watching him]
'Ah, do not mourn,' he said,
'That we are tired, for other loves await us;
Hate on and love through unrepining hours.
Before us lies eternity; our souls
Are love, and a continual farewell.'

        STUDENT 1
[looks up from laptop] Is that going to be tested? Who was that?

        CLEAVER
[quietly] Yeats. [student looks puzzled] Y-E-A-T-S. William Butler. And when I’m declared dictator emeritus, yes it will be.

[professor walks over to lectern] Ah, Bumwhistle, I’m warmed them up for you, and they’re all yours. Watch the one in the front, with the laptop - he’s trouble.

[Cleaver walks out, professor and students watch him go]


SCENE 22

INT. LOCATION

In chambers. CLEAVER GREENE and BARNEY MEAGHER are sitting in the office as CHRISTOPHER SULLIVAN is shown in. NICOLA DOTTORINI is putting files into a box.

                CLEAVER
Ah, Mr Sullivan - please, do come in. Apologies for the mess - we’re borrowing chambers from a colleague while mine are being redecorated.

        NICOLA
[picks up box, scowls at Cleaver] Right, I’ll go and be decorative somewhere else, then.

        CLEAVER
Thank you Nicola. Can you find out when the builders are going to be finished, when you have a chance? Terribly annoying not to have my old digs back. [Nicola glowers at Cleaver] So Mr Sullivan…

        SULLIVAN
Christopher, please.

        CLEAVER
Christopher, call me Cleaver. I’m afraid we need to ask you a few questions regarding your colleague Steven Joyce. We have it on good authority that you two are quite close - could you give us a sense of the relationship you enjoyed?

        SULLIVAN
Yes, for such a long time we were two peas in a pod: we met at Oxford and were in halls together, both committed Friedmanites in a sea of Keynesians, which probably brought us closer still! After university our careers just seemed to be joined at the hip - we both signed up at the Adam Smith Institute, co-authored countless papers and advised on policy, and naturally we migrated to the Exchequer, [proudly] where Gordon Brown referred to us as The Milton Twins! [chuckles] I guess you could say we were as thick as thieves until he moved over to trade recently. I never really understood what he saw in Miller, and we used to joke about his flawed understanding of the Rational Choice Theory - he really is a second rate theorist! - but when the Brexit money rolled in … I guess it was difficult for Steven to say no, after everything that happened between us.

        CLEAVER
So if there was anyone who would have known that Steven was a cannibal, other than his wife, it would be you?

        SULLIVAN
[flinches] I probably know him better than anyone, other than her, perhaps, but no, obviously there was no sign of any sort of … perversions like that.

        CLEAVER
So as far as you were aware, Professor Joyce was perfectly normal, until you saw the recent news reports about him.

        BARNEY
I’m sorry, you said something about ‘everything that happened between us’ - what do you mean by that?

        SULLIVAN
[sighs] You see, it wasn’t just Steven and I who were close - our wives were close too. We were really a self-contained unit, an economic unit if you will. We lived so closely together, we worked together, in a way we were a household - we owned the factors of production, and we made consumption decisions together.

        BARNEY
I don’t really follow…

        SULLIVAN
[distractedly] Sorry, bit of an economist joke, that one. [Barney and Cleaver look at each other, and Cleaver shrugs] anyway, what I’m trying to say is that the four of us were very close, and maybe at times we … some of us were a little too close. My wife … well, my wife is probably what some would refer to as an acquired taste. She has a form of Asperger’s and, while obviously I love her dearly, it can cause certain social problems. And when we socialise with someone like Helen, Steven’s wife - have you met Helen?

        CLEAVER
Indeed we have.

        SULLIVAN
Well, I don’t need to tell you how radiant she is, then. And, to my eternal shame, that’s how it happened - we socialised together, the four of us, but Steven was always in the middle of some research or some writing - he was always far more diligent than me, I can admit that now - and my wife Claire, well, she was never one to stay up late. So Helen and I were left together, more often than not, and that’s where it started.

[Barney and Cleaver look at each other, Barney raises his eyebrows in shock]
       
                BARNEY
        I’m sorry, Professor Sullivan, do you mean?

                SULLIVAN
        I do mean, yes. But that’s not the worst of it.

                CLEAVER
        No?

                SULLIVAN
No. On the night of the referendum Steven was on call - we were both still in the Treasury back then - so he was in the office to take calls and media interviews and keep watch on the markets, the usual thing, and he invited us to his house to have dinner with Helen, to keep her in company in his absence. But Claire didn’t want to go at the last minute - sometimes she just changes her mind, and after all these years I know there’s little I can do to make her change it back. So there we were, Helen and I.

[Barney and Cleaver lean in]

SULLIVAN
We’d had a long term, emotional but platonic … well, affair is the only word I can think of, but it seems … too cheap for what we felt for each other. And there we were, completely alone after all this time - we ate a lovely dinner, had perhaps a little too much wine, we had a quick look at the markets and it was all looking wonderful, if you recall - the markets were saying Remain, and I’ve staked my entire career on the philosophy of market pre-eminence. We opened another bottle of wine, everything was right with the world, and…

        BARNEY
[leaning further in] And?

        SULLIVAN
And right there, mere minutes before the first results were announced, I slept with my best friend’s wife. It was divine, glorious, foolhardy, insane - I betrayed him, I betrayed my wife, but everything in the world was telling me it was right. We dozed afterwards - entwined, exhausted, overjoyed - and later we turned on the television to see the results, to bask in the glow of a the market’s result after such a toxic campaign. And that was when I discovered that my entire world had turned upside down.


SCENE 23

INT. LOCATION

At the brothel. SIMON STINTON QC walking down the hall to reception area, where BARBARA is waiting for him.

STINTON
[looking backwards, fondly] Thank you, my angel - you do so make an old man’s life worth continuing. [looking forwards] Ah, Mistress Overdone, I don’t know how you do it, but your new consorts exceed even the skills of the old - truly you live up to your name!

        BARBARA
[smiling] Shut up you old fool - if I didn’t know my job after all these years, I wouldn’t be much use, would I? Come into the sitting room - I’ve got a nice bottle of Pol Roger on ice put aside for you.

        STINTON
Oh my dear one, you truly can read my mind.

[Barbara and Stinton start towards the sitting room but he clutches his arm, then heart, and collapses - she checks but he isn’t breathing, and she gets her phone]

        BARBARA
Fuck it.
[Close up on phone - it reads CLEAVER GREENE]

        BARBARA
Cleaver my darling? I need a little advice. Yes, emergency rates. Can you get over here? Oh, I can send Dave over to collect you, if that helps. Where are you? [pause] Right, text me her address and finish up, and he’ll be downstairs when you’re done.

[Barbara hangs up and returns to Stinton’s body, reaches into his pocket and takes out his wallet, removes his credit card and shrugs, then runs it through the card charging unit in the top drawer.



SCENE 24

INT. LOCATION

Back in the gaol. CLEAVER GREENE, BARNEY MEAGHER and STEVEN JOYCE talking, the latter is handcuffed to the chair.

                BARNEY
It was … the late Mr Stinton’s firm belief that you should plead guilty on the grounds of insanity, and see what deal we could agree with the the CPS to minimise any custodial sentence or combination order we could negotiate on your behalf.

        JOYCE
But I’m not guilty!

        BARNEY
[shrugs] You’ve been charged with murder, Steven, there is no chance that this won’t go to court.

        JOYCE
[blase] That’s fine - Mr Greene knows that I’m innocent, and is a learned advocate - I have faith that he will compel a jury to absolve me.

        CLEAVER
You ate a German - there is simply no way that this ends without you spending a sizeable proportion of the remainder of your life locked away from society, one way or another.

        JOYCE
[not listening] It’s the hypocrisy of this whole thing that pisses me off - it’s a sham, a kangaroo court to feed the 24 hour news channels to show the world that they are Tough On Crime, yet all the while the titillation that compels them to keep watching is the same desire that makes them want to hurt me. And we all know why, don’t we?

[Barney and Cleaver look at each other, questioningly] What I’ve done, it’s an act so primal they can’t look away, they can’t feign disinterest, because it stirs them all, stirs them in their loins.

[Barney looks at his groin, then raises his eyebrows at Cleaver] And you two are no different - you know you can’t deny it, as much as you may want to. Because what could be more natural, yet more extreme than to consume human flesh? Everyone wonders about it, because everyone has been thinking about it since their youth.

[Cleaver looks at Barney quizzically] We all remember our first, hesitant steps, tottering like a newborn foal with a member of the opposite sex, or the same - no judgements here - when you’re kissing, and your tongue explores their mouth, clattering against their teeth at first before slowly, slyly slipping past the guards and into the cavern of their mouths, looking for and finding their throat, trying to escape from yourself down it.

And then you come up for air, and you work your way down the side of their face, to the neck - you feel it, smell it, taste it, that ever pulsing blood flow right there, just below the skin. And you work up to the attack - a nip first, and another, before you bite a little harder, a little larger, and you leave a mark on the skin, a love bite, a branding to show that you were there, that you were that close to their blood, that you were that close to their life force.

Kisses, love bites, bruises of passion - society looks favourably on these things, laughs and turns away, ashamed of the passions aroused in polite society and reaching for a cheap joke to deflect the rush of desire. But if you take it one step further, if you break the skin, society rushes to judgement - you’re a vampire, a monster, and yet where does this judgement come from? It comes from the hearts of every man there, every man who wishes they could do the same but burns with the righteous shame of their desire, a shame that vinegars into hatred, a hatred that burns white hot to punish the other, to purify themselves in that holy flame.

And that’s why I’m here, Mr Greene - they wish to make a pyre of me, a beacon of their piety to those who doubt. And you, you are here to be the fire extinguisher.


SCENE 25

INT. LOCATION

In court for the hearing. JUDGE presiding, CLEAVER GREENE and BARNEY MEAGHER with assistant ROY HRAIKI for the defence, PETER HIRST and other for the prosecution, STEVEN JOYCE in the dock, jury and others in scene.

                HIRST
We are here to prove to you that the defendant, Professor Steven Joyce, plotted to cause a death in order to satisfy his depraved desires, and in the planning of these ghastly acts he did prey upon a mentally frail, some might say infirmed, young man from Germany by the name of Hendrik Schulten, who Joyce snared in his sick web of intrigue and, over time and following substantial personal effort, did talk this poor young man into submitting to his base perversions, persuading the victim to fly from Munich to London and kill himself for the sole purpose of being … consumed by the defendant. I apologise to the jury in advance for the details of this case and the language they will no doubt hear over the period of this hearing - it brings me no joy to inflict the details of these ghastly acts upon the jury, details which would undoubtedly turn the stomachs of even the strongest constitution, but unfortunately there is little choice but to lay out his acts so that the jury can truly understand the depths of this man’s depravity, which led to the untimely and quite horrendous death of Mr Schulten.

[Some members of the jury whisper to each other - Cleaver’s assistant moves his lips while he watches them]

        HIRST
Now, I am perfectly aware that the man in front of you may not look like a murderer, and certainly there is little doubt that a man of the defendant’s background does not generally suggest even a veneer of the evil we now know to lurk beneath his mild-mannered exterior.

[More members look at Joyce and whisper - Cleaver’s assistant moves his lips while watching them again]

        HIRST
We acknowledge the sterling work that Professor Joyce has done for society over a 30 year career - he has run macroeconomic reforms for Her Majesty’s Exchequer, he has advised five governments including spells on secondment with the International Monetary Fund and the European Central Bank, where no lesser a figure than Dr Mario Draghi hosted a dinner in Professor Joyce’s honour, noting in his speech, and I quote, “Steven is a genius, of that there can be no doubt, and I have seen over the years that I have known him that there is literally nothing he can’t do if he so chooses.”

[Joyce straightens, proudly]
       
                HIRST
This man, this high achieving, extremely driven man, will be revealed over the course of this hearing to be a bombastic, hectoring, highly dominant individual who preyed on a mentally ill man, causing him to end his life for the sole purpose of being eaten by the defendant for his depraved gratification.

[Joyce glowers darkly. Cleaver leans in to his assistant, who has been lip-reading]

        CLEAVER
[quietly, to Roy] What have they been saying? How much do they hate him?

        ROY
They don’t hate him - they’re terrified of him. One of them even asked why there aren’t more guards, in case he does something.

        JUDGE
Mr Greene?

        CLEAVER
[stands up] Thank you, my lord. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the charge being defended today is a heinous one, the crime of murder, which is the unlawful and premeditated killing of one person by another. But I suspect the details of the charge make very little difference to you - if I were a betting man, and disastrously for my personal life I have demonstrated endlessly that I am, I would put money on the fact that you will find Professor Joyce guilty of any charges put before him for the simple fact that you are endlessly, almost screamingly terrified just to be in the same room as him, and the reason for your terror is that he is a cannibal.

[Members of the jury sneak sly looks at Joyce, and look sheepish or scared]

        CLEAVER
But I would remind the jury that the charge being defended is murder, not cannibalism, which is not illegal in this country. We do not defend his cannibalism, and we certainly do not condone it - in fact were you to suggest that an act be put before parliament with the intention of outlawing the practice of cannibalism, then I dare say that it would have the full and unequivocal support of Mr Meagher and myself.

[Joyce looks disturbed]

        CLEAVER
But that particular act has not been put before parliament, and therefore is not a charge to be defended in this case. The defendant has, if I can impose upon your good natures to hear it again, been charged with murder, and we will be making every effort to defend Professor Joyce on that charge. And the underlying fact upon which we will rely is one which is extremely simple and yet incredibly pertinent to this case, namely that it is a fact well known to one and all that it is entirely impossible to murder a dead man.


SCENE 26

INT. LOCATION

In court for the hearing. PETER HIRST questioning LIZ HEFFERNAN, a psychologist, CLEAVER GREENE and BARNEY MEAGHER for the defence, STEVEN JOYCE in the dock, jury and others in scene.

        HIRST
My lord, before I proceed with my questions for Dr Heffernan I would like to show the video made by the defendant and Mr Schulten, prior to their … activities.

        JUDGE
Usher, please show the video.

[Bailiff hits play on video, shown on large screen in the corner of the court.]

        HENDRIK
My name is Hendrik Schulten, I am a lawyer working for Fuerderer Rechtsanwälte in Munich, where I reside at Mailingerstrasse 12. I am making this video to document the fact that I am about to commit suicide, that the choice to do so is mine alone, and that after my death I wish for my remains to be consumed by Professor Joyce. I have purchased a large quantity of prescription drugs to ensure my quick death, and I have a list of the drugs here for review, along with the receipts from various pharmacies in Munich. [holds sheet of paper and some pill containers up to the camera] I repeat that I am committing suicide, and that this decision is mine alone. [opens pill containers, takes a handful] Sie haben immer gesagt, dass ich Scheiße Vater bin, und jetzt werde ich buchstäblich Scheiße!

        HIRST
Ms Heffernan, how is it possible for someone to be in such a parlous mental state that they would volunteer, willingly or otherwise, to be involved in a plan as sordid as the one made by the defendant.

        CLEAVER
Objection, my lord.

        HIRST
Apologies, let me rephrase - a plan such as the one acknowledged by the defendant in his statement.


        HEFFERNAN
Well, it is quite rare, admittedly, but there are a number of studies into patients whose sense of self worth is so lacking that they would willingly … disappear. Anecdotally, many of these patients do become suicides, but others see that as too aggressive, too assertive - these people would generally either be entirely unable to carry out plans to commit suicide and would live in extreme mental anguish, or they would look for some form of assistance.

        HIRST
And was this the case for the victim in this case, in your opinion?  

        CLEAVER
My lord, objection!

        HIRST
Very well, for the deceased?

        HEFFERNAN
It may be. There are cases where a patient’s distress may be so extreme that they are not just looking for how to disappear completely, but more pressingly to be consumed entirely, either to carry out what they believe to be one useful act during their existence, that is to provide sustenance, or indeed to be excreted - to become the physical manifestation of what they feel themselves to be.

        HIRST
[wrinkles his nose in disgust] And these people, these blank slates, if you will - are they open to suggestion, given their poor rationalisation abilities?

        HEFFERNAN
Certainly.

        HIRST
And in your learned opinion, Dr Heffernan, would it be likely that the more damaged, or the more manic, a person is, the more they are open to suggestion, particularly if the plans proposed involved their own destruction?

        HEFFERNAN
It is quite possible, yes - there is a tendency for those with mental illnesses to be unable to rationalise their way out of harm’s way.

        HIRST
Thank you doctor. Nothing further.

        CLEAVER
[Stands up] Doctor Heffernan, thank you for your time. Firstly, if I might ask, have you ever consumed an animal’s flesh?

        HEFFERNAN
[smiles] Yes I have.

        CLEAVER
And cooked it yourself?

        HEFFERNAN
Yes.

        CLEAVER
Seasoned it?

        HEFFERNAN
[guardedly] Yes…

        CLEAVER
Perhaps made a sauce to go with it?

        HIRST
Objection, my lord - has Mr Greene got a point here?

        CLEAVER
Apologies my lord, I’ll move on. You’ve talked at length with my learned colleague regarding a highly mentally damaged individual, but the deceased was employed as a lawyer in Munich, and I have a number of statements from colleagues here, which have been translated and are tendered into evidence - have you had a chance to peruse them?

        HEFFERNAN
I have.

        CLEAVER
They all seem to paint a similar picture of the deceased - if I might paraphrase a few of them [Cleaver skims through a sheaf of papers], they suggest he was bright … he was quiet … efficient … hard-working … he was productive … and perhaps he was a little boring. Is that the sense you had from reading these papers?

        HEFFERNAN
Yes.

        CLEAVER
Worked on average 12.5 hours a day, his work product was seen as very solid by his team leader, he had good performance reviews and no issues at the regular one to ones with his boss, and nothing to note on his HR file.

HEFFERNAN
Yes.

CLEAVER
Now if I may, this doesn’t sound like a person who is so mentally unwell that they are unable to make decisions regarding their own wellbeing?

        HEFFERNAN
There’s nothing precluding a person having extreme psychological problems but hiding it from colleagues at work, or even from friends and family. It’s entirely possible to have a severe sense of self loathing and yet to still be self aware enough to know that this would not be normal in society, and to therefore look to hide these feelings from even those closest to them.

        CLEAVER
Everyone’s got something to hide, except for me and my monkey. [points papers towards Barney, gallery laughs] So it’s entirely possible, in your opinion, that Mr Schulten may have appeared to be an entirely rational person to anyone he met.

        HEFFERNAN
Yes, that’s quite possible.

        CLEAVER
And it’s possible that no one other than his mental health professional would have had any clue that he was in any way mentally deficient?

        HEFFERNAN
I assume he couldn’t continue to work as a lawyer if he did.

        CLEAVER
I’m not at all sure that’s the case, going on my time around here. [gallery laughs] But the ability to hide his mental illness - he would be able to hide that fact from anyone he met, including to the defendant, perhaps?

        HEFFERNAN
Perhaps, except for the fact that he was meeting the defendant to be eaten by him.

SCENE 27

INT. LOCATION

A room at the court - STEVEN JOYCE, CLEAVER GREENE and BARNEY MEAGHER

                JOYCE
        She killed you!
       
                CLEAVER
        [wincing] I made the points I needed to make.

                JOYCE
        [yelling] She killed you in there!

                BARNEY
        [quietly] Dr Heffernan was unexpectedly impressive, sure.

                JOYCE
You two are supposed to be defending me in there! But instead it looks as though you are going through the motions to get paid and get away from me!

        CLEAVER
[guiltily] No no, not at all. We took a hit, I will grant you that, but this was never going to be a case for a knockout blow - I’m scoring points, and I’ll keep scoring them throughout the trial.

        JOYCE
You’re not going to score points if you’re on the floor, out cold! [looks to the door] And where’s Helen?

        BARNEY
We’ve spoken to her, but she is having … a few problems. The paparazzi are making her life pretty difficult, for a start.

        JOYCE
[Eyes watering] I need her here, I need her here … I just need to see her, to make sure she’s alright, to feel her strength. She’s always been a rock to me, you see - I would be nothing without her.

        BARNEY
[Looking down] We’ll see what we can do.

        JOYCE
Where is she? I can’t get through all this without her! And Christopher - have you spoken to him yet?

        CLEAVER
[Looks away] We’ll talk to Helen again for you.


SCENE 28

EXT. LOCATION

Outside the JOYCE house - CLEAVER GREENE and BARNEY MEAGHER get out of a cab where a couple of bored paparazzi (BILL and ALEX) are waiting. They look excited at the prospect of getting a shot, then put the cameras down when they see who it is.

                CLEAVER
What’s the matter Bill - are we not exciting enough for the front page?

                BILL
        Not when you’re just being a lawyer, Cleaver.

                CLEAVER
        And when are you gentlemen going to leave her alone?

        BILL
When she stops being the wife of a cannibal.

        CLEAVER
How does it feel to be an active part of an activity that causes such extreme misery to so many others?

        BILL
You’re a barrister mate - you ought to know.

        CLEAVER
Touche.

        BILL
Got any clients more interesting than this yet?

        CLEAVER
Not this week, no.

        BILL
So I guess we’ve got a bit longer to run then. See you down the Yorkie on Friday? Looks like a good line up, if Mickey will let you in.

        CLEAVER
I never knowingly miss the chance to throw away some hard earned money on the pugilistic arts. See you there Bill.

        BILL
Cheers Cleaver.


SCENE 29

INT. LOCATION

In the kitchen at the JOYCE house - CLEAVER GREENE, BARNEY MEAGHER and HELEN JOYCE talking.

                HELEN
Those bloody paparazzi follow me everywhere - they worked out that I’d gone through Carol’s place to see you, and now one of the bloodsuckers is based in front of their house. They call each other whenever there’s a sighting, and rush around. I can’t take it anymore!

        CLEAVER
They will disappear eventually, when this story dies or a better one comes along.

        HELEN
This isn’t a story, it’s my life! And who told them that [pauses, looks like she will be sick, regains composure] … that I ate some of it?

        BARNEY
It wasn’t us! It was most likely a policeman - they sell stories to the papers pretty regularly. I think there’s an agreed rate for most of the regular stuff, but they probably got a lot more for that one. [realises what he’s said, looks down]

        HELEN
Oh god, this is never going to end!

[Helen grabs a scotch bottle, pours herself a strong measure, offers some to the others - Cleaver looks keen but Barney waves it away for both of them, to Cleaver’s disappointment]

        CLEAVER
To be fair, the police cleared your freezer - that particular story must be at an end now. Have you met Professor Sullivan since we last saw you?

        HELEN
Chris? Yes, he dropped by on Wednesday, via Carol’s - those scum out there didn’t know who he was, so at least that didn’t get reported.

        BARNEY
Did he tell you what he told us?

        HELEN
[slowly] Yes, he told me that he … unburdened himself to you. Why on earth did he feel compelled to tell you about that? It was one time! It meant nothing!

        BARNEY
I’m not sure it was nothing to him.

        HELEN
Oh god, if I’d known he was going to be such a drama queen I would never have done it! I was just drunk, and a little lonely - Steven works such long hours, and maybe I wanted to punish him a little for it.

        BARNEY
Steven knows about you and Chris?

        HELEN
Oh god no, I would never actually tell him! I meant that I would know, and that knowledge would be my way of punishing him without actually confronting him. But instead it’s turned out to be my punishment, hasn’t it? It’s only a matter of time before Chris feels the need to unburden himself again. Who’s he going to tell next? His wife? Steven? The media? [shudders] Oh god, not the bloody media… [gulps down a slug of scotch]

        CLEAVER
I very much doubt that he would tell the media - I can’t imagine he wants to voluntarily join you in paparazzi purgatory.

        BARNEY
You know that Steven needs you in court, don’t you?

        HELEN
I can’t do it - I just can’t! There is no way that I can testify for him - this is bad enough, without those jackals going through my testimony and printing more of their rubbish!

        CLEAVER
[brightens] I don’t need you to testify, but I do need you to come to court - I just need him to see you there. If you’re worried about Professor Sullivan telling Steven about your little tête-à-tête, I’m sure we can arrange a moment for a private conversation, just so that you can … control the message to your husband. And if you want to shorten the time you have those jackals outside your door, this will be like removing an elastoplast - a short, sharp pain, and then it’s all over.

SCENE 30

INT. LOCATION

Outside the courtroom, CLEAVER GREENE and ROY talking. Roy is very hard of hearing, but reads lips fluently, so his voice reflects that.

        CLEAVER
So have you picked up anything I can use?

        ROY
I think you’re getting through - they’re not as scared as they were, and they seem to be hearing your arguments.

        CLEAVER
That is helpful. Is there anything else?

        ROY
Some of the older ones, they think he’s too smart - that might be a problem for you.

        CLEAVER
I can work with that. Thank you Roy, you’re a rock.

        ROY
Even rocks need to get paid sometimes, Cleaver.

        CLEAVER
Ah, yes - we’ve had some … computer issues, but Nicola has advised me that she’s broken the problem! Just ensure that your invoice is submitted to her, and she will be certain to have the funds released to you before the end of the month.

        ROY
She better, or this is the last one I work on for you.

        CLEAVER
Let’s not devolve to that, after all these years! You know what to do today?  

        ROY
Yes - when you take a drink, I go out and get them.


SCENE 31

INT. LOCATION

In court - STEVEN JOYCE in the witness box, CLEAVER GREENE questioning him.

        CLEAVER
Professor Joyce, did you ever meet Hendrik Schulten in person before your meeting on the 12th?

        JOYCE
In person? Once, when I was in Augsburg to present at an economic conference a few months previously. He lived in Munich, we had been corresponding previously, so it seemed like a good opportunity to meet and put a face to the name, if you will.

CLEAVER
You say you had been previously corresponding - was this on the website where you met, which was known as [looks at a piece of paper] … Fresh Meat?

        JOYCE
[looks embarrassed] Yes, that is correct.

        CLEAVER
And you had built up a rapport?

        JOYCE
[brightens] Oh yes, we got along famously.

        CLEAVER
Infamously, I would suggest.

        JOYCE
[drops] Well yes, I suppose so now.

        CLEAVER
But the relationship between you, over this time, was a strong one?

        JOYCE
Oh yes, very much so, we got along … quite well. He was a lovely man, Hendrik - quite sad, [looks superciliously at the jury, a few of whom huff] but very bright, very curious.

        CLEAVER
You were able to speak about anything with him?
[Cleaver drinks water, Roy walks out of the room]

        JOYCE
Oh yes, we had many lovely conversations online, about all manner of things.

        CLEAVER
Did you ever discuss the referendum with him?

        JOYCE
[darkens] Yes … we discussed it, before the vote.

        CLEAVER
And afterwards?

        JOYCE
[coldly] No, we didn’t talk about it afterwards.

        CLEAVER
And why is that? You had a solid relationship, it was a public event affecting both of you - why did you suddenly stop discussing something of such importance?

        JOYCE
We … we had plenty of other things to discuss.

        CLEAVER
Was it because your predictions were so wrong?

        JOYCE
[petulantly] Everyone got it wrong!

        CLEAVER
Not everyone. All of the Brexiteers, for a start. [reconsiders] Well, perhaps not all of them, but some of their more enthusiastic members, certainly.

        JOYCE
[mocks] That rabble! Surely you can’t give those intellectual pygmies any credit? Even a stopped clock is correct twice a day!

        CLEAVER
Well, they had a few economists advising them - surely they must have got something right?

        JOYCE
Oh yes, they had a handful of bloody Keynesians, and haven’t they made a song and dance about it ever since?

        CLEAVER
They weren’t correct?

[Roy and Barney walk into the room, with Helen Joyce, who sits in the gallery]

        JOYCE
[sees wife, is flustered] Their models … their models were flawed, the underlying data was incorrect, the … the …

        CLEAVER
My learned colleague Mr Hirst QC has spent a good period of this hearing telling us all about the glories of your career, of your time in the Exchequer, with the IMF and ECB, about how intelligent you are, of how important you are to the economic community…

        JOYCE
[confused, looks at wife] Er, yes, I suppose he did?

        JUDGE
Mr Greene, where on earth are you going with this questioning?

        CLEAVER
My colleague here spent quite some time on the defendant’s bona fides with respect to his career, my lord - I am simply following his lead.

        JUDGE
[reluctantly] I’ll allow it, but get to the point quickly.

        CLEAVER
Very good my lord. But I would put it to you that in fact you aren’t as intelligent as you are made out to be, if you failed to predict something as simple as a referendum, a coin toss of a vote if ever there was one?

        JOYCE
[upset] But, the markets … everyone thought Remain would win, everyone!

        CLEAVER
Yes, the markets. There’s a bit of a flaw in the Friedmanist world view, isn’t there? For all of your bowing and scraping to the almighty markets, you forgot one simple factor that underwrites everything the market does - human greed. People working in the markets see a return that is too good to be true, they ignore the underlying fundamentals and go after it, because they’re greedy. In this case it was that they wanted a result too much, and bet on it without considering that there were actually people out there voting who didn’t stand to make any money on the result, but simply wanted to give you all a bloody nose.

        JOYCE
[eyes watering] But, but …

        CLEAVER
The wisdom of crowds doesn’t really apply when it’s a conference of fools, does it Professor Joyce?

        JOYCE
… the FTSE suggested …

        CLEAVER
[coldly] I’m sure that it did, Professor. Can I ask, was your wife aware of your meeting with Herr Schulten?

        JOYCE
[crying] No! No, she knew nothing, nothing! [looks despairingly at his wife] Oh my darling, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry about all of this! I never meant for any of it to happen! I never wanted to hurt you, I never wanted you to … the freezer …

[Helen starts weeping uncontrollably]

        JOYCE
[also weeping uncontrollably] Oh my god, I never meant for any of this to happen, and now I’ve hurt the one person I love in the world! Please forgive me my darling, I don’t want to hurt anyone … I’m … I’m not a killer … I’m an economic advisor!

        CLEAVER
[To the jury] There he is, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the prosecution’s cold, heartless murderer. They would have you believe that this wretched, broken man before you is a vicious, uncontrollable killer.

        HIRST
Objection, my lord!

        JUDGE
Enough, Mr Greene - that’s enough!

        CLEAVER
Very good, my lord. [smiles]


SCENE 32

INT. LOCATION

In court - STEVEN JOYCE in the dock, CLEAVER GREENE, BARNEY MEAGHER for the defence, PETER HIRST and another for the prosecution. The JUDGE addresses the JURY FOREMAN.

        JUDGE
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you arrived at a verdict in the case against the defendant, Professor Steven Joyce, who has been charged with the murder of Hendrik Schulten?

        FOREMAN
We have, my lord.

[Cleaver looks worried]

        JUDGE
And what is that verdict?

        FOREMAN
We find the defendant … not guilty, my lord.

[Cleaver smiles, Joyce doesn’t appear to have heard]

        JUDGE
[surprised] Ah … thank you, foreman and jury, for your service in this case. The defendant will remain in custody pending further psychological testing.

[Joyce suddenly realises, and smiles broadly]

        JUDGE
Officer, will you please return the defendant to the holding cells below pending…

        JOYCE
Yes! Yes! I knew it!

        JUDGE
Order! Order! The defendant will be moved to a medical incarceration facility suitably able to retain a patient such as … this man, the defendant…

        JOYCE
[being removed from court] Yes! I am innocent! Innocent! Thank you!

        JUDGE
Officer! Remove the defendant now!

[Helen looks stunned, as if realising the paparazzi are waiting for her. Cleaver closes a binder and looks satisfied]


SCENE 32

INT. LOCATION

At Cleaver’s flat. CLEAVER GREENE is reading a book and drinking red wine - there is a knock at the door, he answers it to see MISSY.

                MISSY
        Hello Cleaver. You well?

[Missy walks past Cleaver to the kitchen, holding a bottle of wine]

                CLEAVER
        [quietly] Yes, I am well. And you?

                MISSY
I’m great, thanks for asking. [pulls out bottle opener] I hear you won your cannibal case.

        CLEAVER
I guess you could say that, in a manner of speaking. [pause] And to what do I owe the honour of your visit? I was under the impression that we had parted ways, ships had passed in the night, birds had flown into the pale blue sky?

        MISSY
Yes. [looks in the fridge, wrinkles her nose] Do you ever clean this thing out? There are live creatures emerging from the dairy shelf.

        CLEAVER
I know, I’ve grown fond of them - I felt I needed the responsibility of looking after other sentient beings. Why are you here, Missy?

        MISSY
You were right, I do owe you an explanation, after everything. Wine?

[Cleaver pushes his glass towards Missy, who fills it]

        MISSY
When I was young I travelled with my parents around the world - my father was a diplomat, he was posted all over the place.

        CLEAVER
[guardedly] Yes, so you’ve said. You were a regular Karen von Blixen.

        MISSY
It was a beautiful life for a young girl, exciting and full of adventure. But they died before I turned 18, Cleaver, and everything … everything just turned to shit. My life spiralled out of control and, well, you can imagine.

        CLEAVER
Only too well.

        MISSY
Eventually I met Barbara, and she gave me an opportunity, of sorts. And I took it. I worked hard, I saved, and I met you.

[Cleaver smiles]

        MISSY
And now I have a chance to start again, Cleaver, and I’m not going to let it go. I will make the most of this chance. Do you understand?

        CLEAVER
[nods ruefully] Perhaps better than anyone.

        MISSY
[pulls textbook out of bag] And the first step towards that new start is this - I was wondering if you could help me with it?

        CLEAVER
You want me to be your law tutor? [smiles] I’ve had worse offers this week.

        MISSY
Thank you. [holds out hand] My name is Melissa Partridge, by the way.

        CLEAVER
[smiles, shakes her hand] Cleaver Greene, of counsel.


END CREDITS