Unreliable Memoirs
So Im sitting at work yeah and its another day another day and Im looking at my computer and day dreaming really cos its one of those days and an email pops up with that little ping it does when Ive got a new message and I take a look and its from this girl I know and that makes me happy cos I quite like her you know and anyway the email is to invite me to a party tonight for some friends of hers and it asks do I wanna come with her and I say sure even though she cant hear me cos its an email silly and I smile and I send a reply and in my reply I say sure cos I am smart and can use a computer and everything after John showed me how.
So Im really just waiting now to leave work and I don’t really get much done because of that but it doesnt matter cos I aint got too much to do today cos I make birdhouses but I made extras yesterday but really nevermind that and it just means that the clock ticks by reeeaaalll slllloooowww which is a drag cos I could swear that hours is flying by when really its only minutes but anyway I wont bore you with that cos time passed cos thats what time does and at the end of all that time its time to go and I smile cos Im a happy guy all the time and my mum says so too and shes real smart but especially today cos Im going to go out and it will be fun I can tell that already.
So Im walking home and the sun is shining and I can hear the birds singing and see people smiling fit to burst and Im thinking that this could be one of them things you know where stuff is too good no thats not what I mean but I cant really think of the word I mean anyway but you know what I mean. But really lifes not like that not much anyway and I think that cos really it’s a bit cloudy and almost gloomy but not quite and I guess Im just imagining cos thats what I want the weather to be cos it would be kinda like how I feel cos I feel really good but it doesnt really matter what the weather is doing it really doesnt cos Im happy and thats what counts they say and so what difference does the weather make anyway? Pretend I said nothing.
Anyway Im walking home and it’s a great day except its not cos I already told you that but anyway Im walking back across the bridge and the traffic is flowing and Im smiling and I walk down some streets and Im heading down the street with all the stores on it and Im looking in the windows and Im looking at my reflections and this guy comes up to me and he is looking me in my eyes probably and he is talking real fast and he is talking all funny and saying “hook a brother up I need fitty cents cos I just got out a hospital and they gave me drugs there drugs to control my emotions cos they aint totally stable but Im trying yeah Im trying but sometimes my head kinda hurts cos I dont got no drugs no more but I dont got no food neither and Im hungry can you help hook a brother up” and I look at him and hes got this real funny look in his eyes and he kinda smells bad I notice and I says “sure” and I give him a twenty dollar note and he sees it and he is shocked and he says “thank you man you saved my life and I mean it” and I feel really good except that I dont really cos I dont actually have any money on me but if I did then thats what I would have done I swear it.
But anyway I get home and I check the mailbox and theres no mails well except for bills but they dont really count cos they come anyway not cos anyone loves you or nothing like that but cos the bill people just want money for you but I take them anyway cos youve got to cos thats the law and I walk up and up all the steps and get to my flat and open and walk in and hi honey Im home I say cos I always say that its like my little joke cos thats what they say on tv and it always makes the invisible people laugh when they say it usually and I do too sometimes but only cos that what I say when I come home too and I put my stuff down on my little table for putting stuff down on and I look at my phone but no one has called me but thats usually what I see and it doesnt matter cos Im going out tonight and it will be fun I can tell and I put on the kettle to make a nice cup of tea and I know this will calm me down a bit and make me happy cos Im a bit excited can you tell and I have my cup of tea and it is nice with milk and sugar.
After I have my cup of tea with milk and sugar I think that I should get ready to go out so I make a nice hot bath cos I like having baths cos they make me feel nice and they make me feel like I am a little kid again cos I can take my duck with me and my other toys cos they are fun and my friends and they dont make fun of me but they just sit there and wait for me to come and play with them and thats just what I do after I check that the water is not too hot cos my mum always told me I should check that cos of that time when I got in and it was too hot and I cried and it burned me but it is not too hot it is just right and I put my toys in first the scuba diver then the submarine and then ducky and then me cos Ive got to get in too cos I need a bath and we all start playing underwater caves cos thats my favourite game and theirs too and we all have fun and later I wash my hair with the nice shampoo in the fish and I make all my hair stick up all over and I look in the mirror and it makes me giggle cos I look funny and it would be nice if I could make my hair stay like that all the time but it wont stick except when Ive got the shampoo in but thats okay cos my mum always said I am stupid for doing it so maybe no one else would like it neither.
I stay in the bath for ages cos its my favourite place in the world in a hot bath and I run some more hot water later cos the water is getting cold and I hate it when the water gets cold and I do the swimming thing to make the wafts of hot water go round and round and I stay there til my fingers go all pruned and that is nice too cos it makes my hands look like I am really old like my grandma before she died and wasnt old any more and then I get the big fluffy towel that my mum gave me cos she loves me really and I towel myself all over until I am nice and dry again and I look in the mirror and my hair is all shaggy like Mrs Robinsons dog from downstairs and that makes me giggle until I comb it all straight and I pull some of the smelly roller under my armpits like Im supposed to and then go and put my clothes back on and make a nice salami sandwich for me to eat before I go out because I am going to see that girl that I told you about before.
After that I dont really know what to do cos its still too early to go and meet that girl because she said to go really late but thats okay cos Im a big boy now and Im allowed to stay up late sometimes if I want and theres nothing mum can do about it cos I live in my own flat now cos Im old enough but Im bored sitting here by myself so I go downstairs to visit mum cos she has always got something to do and I go down and open the door cos I have my own key and I say “hullo mum” and she says “shh my program is on” so I go into the lounge room and watch her program with her cos I like watching tv with mum cos she talks to the tv when she watches it which used to confuse me cos she always tells me to shh but she can talk to the tv but Im used to it now so it doesnt confuse me anymore and the man on the tv is talking about something boring and mum says “see thats the problem with this country these days” and I say “uh huh” cos thats all Im allowed to say when the tv is on except when the ads are on cos thats the time for talking and mum says “theres some food in the fridge if you are hungry” so I go and look but it is just cold stuff like boring salad so I dont eat any of it at all and it doesnt matter cos I already had my sandwich remember?
And anyway nothing exciting happened for a while after that so I wont tell you about that bit but later it is time to go and I tell my mum “bye mum I am going out” and she says “where are you going to at this time?” and I say “I am going to meet a nice girl who invited me to a party” and she says “well I don’t know anything about this” and I say “well she just invited me today and I said yes I will come so now I have to” and she says “well you just be careful then” and I say “yes mum” and I do that rolley eye thing and then I go out the door and outside with my coat on and I walk down the road and go to the underneath train station and it is very dark out and the station is a bit spooky but I am not scared cos I am big now and when the train comes I get on cos I know where to go and everything and I sit down and look at the people sitting there cos I like to look at all the people and there is a funny looking man across from me and he is like that other man who asked me for money but different cos the colour is melted off his face and he is only half brown and half pink with splotches on him.
He was funny looking but he was looking at me in a tough way so I didnt talk to him cos my mum says I shouldnt talk to people who I dont know and anyway he doesnt look like he wants to talk to anyone so I leave him all alone but he says “what you looking at?” and I say “I was just looking at your face” and he says “are you some sort of retard or something?” and I say “my mum says you shouldnt not use that word not ever” and he looks at me funny and then he says ”did your mum tell you its rude to stare at people?” and I say “yes she did and I am sorry but I have not never seen no one who looks like you do” and he says “yes I suppose you haven’t but how come youre out so late on your own?” and I tell him about the girl and how she makes me feel nice when I think about her and how she invited me to a party and he smiles at me and says “well thats very nice but you should be careful cos there are some bad people out at night” and I say “yes I know cos my mum told me but I am big now and can catch the train by myself thank you mister” and he smiles some more at that I can tell you he was smiling all across his face as if I had said the funniest joke in the whole world.
Then I look up and see that it is the station for me to get off at and I say “I have to get off now mister but it was very nice to speak to you” like my mum says I should say to people and he says “it was very nice to speak to you too” and when he says it his voice goes kinda funny and the doors open up and I swing around the post and I go out the door and I am on the station and walking up to the street and when I walked around the corner I saw all the trees and they were full of lights like it is christmas or something but its not I know but all the lights were in the branches and it was beautiful did you see them cos I have not never seen anything as beautiful as that before never.
But I was walking and I wasn’t looking where I was going and my mum says I do that all the time cos Im stupid and I know cos I stepped on a man who was sitting on the ground and he says “hey watch where youre going” and I says “Im sorry mister I did not see you there on the ground” and he says “can you spare some change Im hungry” and I says “I have not got no change but you can come with me if you like cos Im going to a party and there will be food there” and he looks at my funny but he gets up and he walks with me to the building where the party is but he does not say no more to me and he makes me feel a bit funny.
Then I get to the building where the party is and I know its the right one because I wrote it on a piece of paper and put it in my back pocket and I checked it twice to know and I walk in with this man from the street and another man with a hat on says “hey you cant come in here” and I says “I am going to the party cos I was invited its okay” and he says “that guy cant come with you” and he comes out from his desk and he pushes the other man back out onto the street just as some girls were walking in and the man with the hat says “are you sure you should be here?” and one of the girls who is friends with the girl who is having the party and I have met her before she is nice says to the man “its okay I know him” and then she puts her arm inside of my arm and it makes me feel all tingly and we walk to the lift and we go up in the building and away from the man with the hat.
When the lift opens we can see lots of doors but we know what one is the party cos we can hear the noise it is loud even out here and we go and open the door and the noise is much louder inside and there are lots and lots and lots of people and smoke and the girls I come up with go away and I cant see the girl who is having the party so I walked around and have to push to get through cos no one can hear me when I says “excuse me” like my mum says I should cos it is so loud and someone says “what are you drinking” and I say “nothing I have not got a drink” and they put a drink in my hand and it looks like water and I like water cos it is refreshing so I drunk it down but it was horrible it was not water at all and I wanted to spit it out but there was too many people so I could not and I had to swallow it and it burned my throat and made my eyes cry and the person who gave me the drink says “you must have needed that one” but I didnt need nothing like that at all.
Anyway I was walking around and around the people and I was trying to say hello to them but they were all giving me funny looks and were then turning away from me and I did not know what to do and then I saw the girl who was having the party and I was walking over to her but she was kissing with a man and they was kissing for a long time I dont even know how cos they could not breathe and I have not never kissed no one like that before not even my mum and I was amazed but I did not like to look at them cos it made me feel funny in my tummy and so I went to go to the toilet cos I remembered that I needed to go but there was a long line for the toilet cos everyone remembered they needed to do a wee at the same time I guess I even saw two people go in together but I dont know how they will manage to do a wee at the same time but that was when I come in here to the bedroom and seen you here and that is what has happened to me today.
That’s quite an amazing story – you should write it down sometime.
Oh I dont know nothing about that I dont think I am very good at writing my mum said I cant be good at everything you know but you can write it down if you want to if you know how to that is.
You know, I just might do that.
Okay then I am going to go do a wee now bye mister.
(April 2002)
So Im really just waiting now to leave work and I don’t really get much done because of that but it doesnt matter cos I aint got too much to do today cos I make birdhouses but I made extras yesterday but really nevermind that and it just means that the clock ticks by reeeaaalll slllloooowww which is a drag cos I could swear that hours is flying by when really its only minutes but anyway I wont bore you with that cos time passed cos thats what time does and at the end of all that time its time to go and I smile cos Im a happy guy all the time and my mum says so too and shes real smart but especially today cos Im going to go out and it will be fun I can tell that already.
So Im walking home and the sun is shining and I can hear the birds singing and see people smiling fit to burst and Im thinking that this could be one of them things you know where stuff is too good no thats not what I mean but I cant really think of the word I mean anyway but you know what I mean. But really lifes not like that not much anyway and I think that cos really it’s a bit cloudy and almost gloomy but not quite and I guess Im just imagining cos thats what I want the weather to be cos it would be kinda like how I feel cos I feel really good but it doesnt really matter what the weather is doing it really doesnt cos Im happy and thats what counts they say and so what difference does the weather make anyway? Pretend I said nothing.
Anyway Im walking home and it’s a great day except its not cos I already told you that but anyway Im walking back across the bridge and the traffic is flowing and Im smiling and I walk down some streets and Im heading down the street with all the stores on it and Im looking in the windows and Im looking at my reflections and this guy comes up to me and he is looking me in my eyes probably and he is talking real fast and he is talking all funny and saying “hook a brother up I need fitty cents cos I just got out a hospital and they gave me drugs there drugs to control my emotions cos they aint totally stable but Im trying yeah Im trying but sometimes my head kinda hurts cos I dont got no drugs no more but I dont got no food neither and Im hungry can you help hook a brother up” and I look at him and hes got this real funny look in his eyes and he kinda smells bad I notice and I says “sure” and I give him a twenty dollar note and he sees it and he is shocked and he says “thank you man you saved my life and I mean it” and I feel really good except that I dont really cos I dont actually have any money on me but if I did then thats what I would have done I swear it.
But anyway I get home and I check the mailbox and theres no mails well except for bills but they dont really count cos they come anyway not cos anyone loves you or nothing like that but cos the bill people just want money for you but I take them anyway cos youve got to cos thats the law and I walk up and up all the steps and get to my flat and open and walk in and hi honey Im home I say cos I always say that its like my little joke cos thats what they say on tv and it always makes the invisible people laugh when they say it usually and I do too sometimes but only cos that what I say when I come home too and I put my stuff down on my little table for putting stuff down on and I look at my phone but no one has called me but thats usually what I see and it doesnt matter cos Im going out tonight and it will be fun I can tell and I put on the kettle to make a nice cup of tea and I know this will calm me down a bit and make me happy cos Im a bit excited can you tell and I have my cup of tea and it is nice with milk and sugar.
After I have my cup of tea with milk and sugar I think that I should get ready to go out so I make a nice hot bath cos I like having baths cos they make me feel nice and they make me feel like I am a little kid again cos I can take my duck with me and my other toys cos they are fun and my friends and they dont make fun of me but they just sit there and wait for me to come and play with them and thats just what I do after I check that the water is not too hot cos my mum always told me I should check that cos of that time when I got in and it was too hot and I cried and it burned me but it is not too hot it is just right and I put my toys in first the scuba diver then the submarine and then ducky and then me cos Ive got to get in too cos I need a bath and we all start playing underwater caves cos thats my favourite game and theirs too and we all have fun and later I wash my hair with the nice shampoo in the fish and I make all my hair stick up all over and I look in the mirror and it makes me giggle cos I look funny and it would be nice if I could make my hair stay like that all the time but it wont stick except when Ive got the shampoo in but thats okay cos my mum always said I am stupid for doing it so maybe no one else would like it neither.
I stay in the bath for ages cos its my favourite place in the world in a hot bath and I run some more hot water later cos the water is getting cold and I hate it when the water gets cold and I do the swimming thing to make the wafts of hot water go round and round and I stay there til my fingers go all pruned and that is nice too cos it makes my hands look like I am really old like my grandma before she died and wasnt old any more and then I get the big fluffy towel that my mum gave me cos she loves me really and I towel myself all over until I am nice and dry again and I look in the mirror and my hair is all shaggy like Mrs Robinsons dog from downstairs and that makes me giggle until I comb it all straight and I pull some of the smelly roller under my armpits like Im supposed to and then go and put my clothes back on and make a nice salami sandwich for me to eat before I go out because I am going to see that girl that I told you about before.
After that I dont really know what to do cos its still too early to go and meet that girl because she said to go really late but thats okay cos Im a big boy now and Im allowed to stay up late sometimes if I want and theres nothing mum can do about it cos I live in my own flat now cos Im old enough but Im bored sitting here by myself so I go downstairs to visit mum cos she has always got something to do and I go down and open the door cos I have my own key and I say “hullo mum” and she says “shh my program is on” so I go into the lounge room and watch her program with her cos I like watching tv with mum cos she talks to the tv when she watches it which used to confuse me cos she always tells me to shh but she can talk to the tv but Im used to it now so it doesnt confuse me anymore and the man on the tv is talking about something boring and mum says “see thats the problem with this country these days” and I say “uh huh” cos thats all Im allowed to say when the tv is on except when the ads are on cos thats the time for talking and mum says “theres some food in the fridge if you are hungry” so I go and look but it is just cold stuff like boring salad so I dont eat any of it at all and it doesnt matter cos I already had my sandwich remember?
And anyway nothing exciting happened for a while after that so I wont tell you about that bit but later it is time to go and I tell my mum “bye mum I am going out” and she says “where are you going to at this time?” and I say “I am going to meet a nice girl who invited me to a party” and she says “well I don’t know anything about this” and I say “well she just invited me today and I said yes I will come so now I have to” and she says “well you just be careful then” and I say “yes mum” and I do that rolley eye thing and then I go out the door and outside with my coat on and I walk down the road and go to the underneath train station and it is very dark out and the station is a bit spooky but I am not scared cos I am big now and when the train comes I get on cos I know where to go and everything and I sit down and look at the people sitting there cos I like to look at all the people and there is a funny looking man across from me and he is like that other man who asked me for money but different cos the colour is melted off his face and he is only half brown and half pink with splotches on him.
He was funny looking but he was looking at me in a tough way so I didnt talk to him cos my mum says I shouldnt talk to people who I dont know and anyway he doesnt look like he wants to talk to anyone so I leave him all alone but he says “what you looking at?” and I say “I was just looking at your face” and he says “are you some sort of retard or something?” and I say “my mum says you shouldnt not use that word not ever” and he looks at me funny and then he says ”did your mum tell you its rude to stare at people?” and I say “yes she did and I am sorry but I have not never seen no one who looks like you do” and he says “yes I suppose you haven’t but how come youre out so late on your own?” and I tell him about the girl and how she makes me feel nice when I think about her and how she invited me to a party and he smiles at me and says “well thats very nice but you should be careful cos there are some bad people out at night” and I say “yes I know cos my mum told me but I am big now and can catch the train by myself thank you mister” and he smiles some more at that I can tell you he was smiling all across his face as if I had said the funniest joke in the whole world.
Then I look up and see that it is the station for me to get off at and I say “I have to get off now mister but it was very nice to speak to you” like my mum says I should say to people and he says “it was very nice to speak to you too” and when he says it his voice goes kinda funny and the doors open up and I swing around the post and I go out the door and I am on the station and walking up to the street and when I walked around the corner I saw all the trees and they were full of lights like it is christmas or something but its not I know but all the lights were in the branches and it was beautiful did you see them cos I have not never seen anything as beautiful as that before never.
But I was walking and I wasn’t looking where I was going and my mum says I do that all the time cos Im stupid and I know cos I stepped on a man who was sitting on the ground and he says “hey watch where youre going” and I says “Im sorry mister I did not see you there on the ground” and he says “can you spare some change Im hungry” and I says “I have not got no change but you can come with me if you like cos Im going to a party and there will be food there” and he looks at my funny but he gets up and he walks with me to the building where the party is but he does not say no more to me and he makes me feel a bit funny.
Then I get to the building where the party is and I know its the right one because I wrote it on a piece of paper and put it in my back pocket and I checked it twice to know and I walk in with this man from the street and another man with a hat on says “hey you cant come in here” and I says “I am going to the party cos I was invited its okay” and he says “that guy cant come with you” and he comes out from his desk and he pushes the other man back out onto the street just as some girls were walking in and the man with the hat says “are you sure you should be here?” and one of the girls who is friends with the girl who is having the party and I have met her before she is nice says to the man “its okay I know him” and then she puts her arm inside of my arm and it makes me feel all tingly and we walk to the lift and we go up in the building and away from the man with the hat.
When the lift opens we can see lots of doors but we know what one is the party cos we can hear the noise it is loud even out here and we go and open the door and the noise is much louder inside and there are lots and lots and lots of people and smoke and the girls I come up with go away and I cant see the girl who is having the party so I walked around and have to push to get through cos no one can hear me when I says “excuse me” like my mum says I should cos it is so loud and someone says “what are you drinking” and I say “nothing I have not got a drink” and they put a drink in my hand and it looks like water and I like water cos it is refreshing so I drunk it down but it was horrible it was not water at all and I wanted to spit it out but there was too many people so I could not and I had to swallow it and it burned my throat and made my eyes cry and the person who gave me the drink says “you must have needed that one” but I didnt need nothing like that at all.
Anyway I was walking around and around the people and I was trying to say hello to them but they were all giving me funny looks and were then turning away from me and I did not know what to do and then I saw the girl who was having the party and I was walking over to her but she was kissing with a man and they was kissing for a long time I dont even know how cos they could not breathe and I have not never kissed no one like that before not even my mum and I was amazed but I did not like to look at them cos it made me feel funny in my tummy and so I went to go to the toilet cos I remembered that I needed to go but there was a long line for the toilet cos everyone remembered they needed to do a wee at the same time I guess I even saw two people go in together but I dont know how they will manage to do a wee at the same time but that was when I come in here to the bedroom and seen you here and that is what has happened to me today.
That’s quite an amazing story – you should write it down sometime.
Oh I dont know nothing about that I dont think I am very good at writing my mum said I cant be good at everything you know but you can write it down if you want to if you know how to that is.
You know, I just might do that.
Okay then I am going to go do a wee now bye mister.
(April 2002)